Zoe the Law Student

I have moved three hours and 200 miles away from the Boro, and it’s a strange feeling. I live in a one bedroom apartment downtown in L-ville, and it’s in the middle of the hospital district. I am pretty much on my own, with my family, friends, and Wash still in the Boro; I miss them a lot. I’m just a bit too north for my taste, and there is a distinctive lack of Southern accents and sweet tea that is a bit disturbing. I’m pretty sure that L-ville has my allergies all screwed up, and I’m also pretty sure I’m developing a sinus infection judging by my congestion and headaches. There are no sick days in law school, not really, so I will just muscle through until I back to TN this weekend to see the doctor. Yeah, my body is rebelling from the lack of sleep, lack of proper diet, and general stress from getting used to my new course load and work load; Zoe is bad about dishing out abuse on her body. I am hoping that soon enough I will get into the swing of things and be able to start eating better and working out again. Sleep on the other hand will probably be a rare commodity for awhile. So for now I will just drink my orange juice and do my work and survive.

I’ve had two days of classes, and so far it’s not been as terrible as they tell us. The Socratic method may be a bit frightening, especially when a case has been confusing, but if you at least try to know what you are talking about and read the cases it’s not as scary as it is portrayed. I’m pretty sure I like torts and property best so far; torts because the cases are interesting and property because of the way it is taught. It is hard work, and it is tiring. Already I get bogged down in my massive work load and it’s hard to stay focused on the task at hand. It’s harder than I expected in some ways, and easier in others. I’m not having too much trouble understanding the actual concepts, but at times it’s hard to keep plowing through 10 cases or more a night plus other readings. I am not giving up; I will do this.

It’s sort of lonely up here. I live alone, and I don’t know anyone. There is no one here who knows me; I mean really knows me. I feel sort of lost in enemy territory because there are few Southern accents and way too many city people around me. I feel out of sorts, as though I don’t belong here. By here I mean L-ville, not law school. I miss Wash a lot more than I probably should, but to be honest, he is one of a very few people who is allowed to truly know me. I’m terrified of losing myself, the essential Zoe, in all the stress and pressure and work. I have no one here, physically, who knows that essential part of me and who can remind me of who I am. I’m really jealous of the people who are already making great friends because I can’t seem to do that without feeling like I seem awkward and dumb, which is odd because I’m 22 and usually don’t have that problem. I normally just mesh somewhere, and I am not meshing well. I am also rather envious of those who have friends or significant others  up here. There are moments when I would do anything to curl up in Wash’s arms and stop thinking law school and property law and contracts and civil procedure.

Law school is not all bad though. I’m enjoying the challenge, though tiresome, and I enjoy learning the things I’m learning. There is also a sense of accomplishment when I finish briefing a case and understand it completely. I love that I am one step closer to my future and my career, even if this is a difficult step.

Quote of the Day: “God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer, an honest man.” - Benjamin Franklin

I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane

I went for a forty-five minute jog today, and it was amazing. Nothing but me, my iPod, and some time to think; I love the fact that I can go off on my own and just jog and think. It’s raining now, and so I’m sitting in my room enjoying the quiet and the fact that my room is slightly clean. Anyway, back on topic. In case you are wondering about my fantastic John Denver reference in the title, it’s from the CD set I gave Wash for his birthday along with some awesome fudge. I will do a culinary adventure post on that one.

I only have a week or so before I move to KY, and I must say that I was not anticipating the way it sort of saddens me. I’m really excited about law school, don’t get me wrong, but at the same time I am nervous and scared. I also know that it is the beginning of difficult year for Wash and me. For the first time in our relationship, we will be apart for long periods of time with only phone and Internet to connect us. We’ve always had a date night, even if it was nothing really exciting, and we’ve always been able to finagle a way to see each other. It’s not going to be easy, not at all. I’ve done the long distance thing, and I survived; it’s not something I look forward to at all because I’ve discovered that even after a day I miss him. I distinctively recall that its a feeling that comes with being in love. Absense makes the heart grow fonder, or so they say. He’s something else dear readers. And I love him very much.

Having time to think is not always a good thing because it lets me find too much negative. We won’t see each other much; he will work a lot, and I will only be coming back to TN on weekends and holidays. I find myself hating the thought, and knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. Be strong, I remind myself. Have faith, I say to the mirror. I know there is nothing to be afraid of, but there is a part of me who is a little scared. There is after all that who, tried and failed business, which at times haunts me. Not that I don’t have faith in Wash because I do. I’m still a touch damaged, and Wash, who is amazing, has done more repair work on my heart, faith, and spirit than he will ever know. I was reminded that I am not invincible, and it has left me a bit gun shy at times. I’m better than I was before.

I don’t want to leave everything I have here, but if I’m to grow and meet the future, I have to go. Tears well up, every now and then; and readers I swore I’d never cry over a relationship again. It’s not like it’s forever, but it’s an awful long time, at least that’s how it feels; to be honest readers, I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. It seems the closer I get to moving day, the more I cling to home and to Wash. Yeah, big strong Zoe melts like ice cube on the sidewalk at the thought of distance again. I guess it’s because I’ve gotten so close to him, and I like it that way. I’m so used to knowing that I’ll seem him soon that I don’t know how to handle not. I’ll adjust eventually, or lose my mind.

I didn’t mean for this to be a sad entry, but they can’t all be happy.

Quote of the Day: “So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go” – ”Leaving on a Jet Plane” John Denver

So I have a plan

Dear readers, I figured I would write a little bit about my latest plan. I know, not exactly the most exciting thing to blog about, but hey, I don’t think many people are reading this thing anyway. What is this plan? Well I’m hoping that if I get started on my fitness quest before I start law school in the next two weeks, I will be less likely to give up as time goes on and things get more difficult. Starting Saturday I will be working very hard to achieve my goal.

So the goal is to become a thinner lighter Zoe, one who is much healthier and happier with who she is and what she looks like. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am happy with my appearance, but I know that I could do with some weight loss and some toning up. My face is round and slightly pudgy, which is something I’ve always hated about my appearance; my hips, thighs, butt, and tummy need some serious work, and I’m willing to admit that. I’m also willing to admit that it’s going to be a long road because I’m in serious need of work in order to get fit and I have some seriously bad eating and exercising and health habits that will be hard to break. But my friend Meg has inspired me, though I don’t have the courage to make an entire blog about it. However, you can expect updates on my progress. I’m actually fairly excited about this little plan.

Obstacles I will face

1. I’m addicted to caffeine and chocolate, two things that aren’t exactly healthy. Along those same lines, I have a serious sweet tooth, and one of my favorite things is to bake and create sweet treats because it allows me to be creative.
2. I have a bad snacking habit; I snack while I work on papers and stuff and while I read, and I’m really bad about getting the munchies, especially during a certain week. I’m working to improve this by drinking more water and eating healthier snacks like apples, raw almonds, and popcorn that I pop myself with no butter and just a very little salt.
3. I don’t sleep as well as I should; I’m really bad about not sleeping when I should or getting enough sleep. I know that sleep is important because it helps your body recharge and repair. I’m not sure what to do about the sleep issue because it’s a matter of not being able to convince myself to shut down.
4. I tend to get stressed and irritated, and when I do I get distracted. This is a problem because I let my stress and frustration distract me from my work out, for example I get too mad to run or lift weights or whatever. So to combat this little hitch, I’m going to turn my frustration and irritation into work out fuel.
5. I tend to get too busy and too tired to work out. I will become so mired down in work and other life stresses, and it flat wears me out. I lack the energy to do the work out I know I should be doing. I’m not sure how I will combat this problem cause, to be honest, I’ve never been able to do it in the past.
6. I’m not patient, and so when I don’t start seeing results soon enough, I find it hard to keep it up. I know that it takes time to start seeing weight loss and a change in the way my clothes fit, but I’ve never been a very patient person. I think this problem that arises from growing up in a family of drag racers.

I’m determined to make this work, and I will succeed this time, even though I have not before now. Now is the time for me; if not now then when? I keep putting it off and waiting, but I can’t do that any more. If I keep doing that I will never do it; I know that. I have never been super thin or really fit, but once upon a time I was not as fat as I am now. My hope is that by next summer, when I go to PCB with Wash because I promised him I would go, that I will be fit and pretty and swimsuit ready. I want to be all toned and gorgeous and everything, and I will be. I know that underneath my chunk is pretty, and I am determined to find it

I promise you this

I keep glancing down at the silver ring on my left hand and smiling, ok so smiling is an understatement. I’m sort of grinning like an idiot. Since Wash has headed up to SMBC for the week, where he will have very little cell phone signal, we went out three times this week. Night one was Tuesday night, when we went to dinner at Chili’s and then bowling. Yes dear readers, bowling; Wash and I go bowling a lot, mainly because it is a lot of fun and because it’s good exercise. Well, we were getting in the car after dinner, and I reached across to open his door from the inside; he was standing at the back of the car, doing something I could not see, and when I asked he told me that I didn’t want to know. As it turns out he was attempting to get a letter rolled up and stuck through my promise ring; we’ve been writing letters for quite some time because its more personal than a text message or facebook piece of flair. The ring is beautiful, a small white gold band with a single small diamond, and I only take it off to do things that might do it damage or when I’m picking on him. Wash is proud of his choice as well, and he has every right to be. So what does the ring mean? Well it means a lot of things, really. It means I love him and he loves me. It means that I promise to be with him, and I promise to love him. It means that I give him my heart. It’s a symbol of committment, something that I was once scared of because of the previous heartbreak. I’m not scared of it anymore, thanks to Wash, who has been unbelievably patient with my weirdness.

Wednesday night there was a preacher who means a lot to Wash speaking at his church, and so I went with him to that. Going to church is a big deal for Wash, and by big deal I mean that it is an extremely  important part of his life. While I have never been super religious, I do believe in God and that Jesus was his Son, sent to die on the cross for our sins; I kept saying that I needed to go back to church, but for some reason I never got around to going. I used to go with my Nanny almost every Sunday, but as I got older I guess a little bit of my faith started to fade; then life got hectic and, like a typical human being, I failed to realize that I was losing faith at a time when I needed it most. Latel though, some of that faith is coming back, and I have Wash to thank for that.  To be honest, meeting Wash was like a message from God, reminding me that I need to have faith and I need to believe again. He is in a way, an answered prayer.

We figured that since we won’t be able to talk much next week, we out to do one more night out. So last night I tagged along with him when he went up to the Mountain to set his stuff up and lay claim to his bunk. The Mountain is one of the most beautiful places, and it had been a while since I’d been that far up there. Like an idiot I forgot to bring a jacket or wear something with sleeves because it is a bit chill up there. We were up there an hour or so, between the standing around talking and the waiting on Wash to fix his bunk up, and then we headed back to the Boro for dinner. I was craving Chinese, for some unknown reason, and so we went to one of those little buffet places. The food wasn’t terrible, but it’s not the best I’ve eaten. But then again I’m a huge food snob. I miss my Wash already.

Speaking of missing my Wash, in a few weeks I will be in Louisville, and Wash will remain in TN. I will miss him very much, especially since he will work a lot, and I will only be coming back to TN on weekends and holidays. It will be one of the first real tests of our relationship. Distance can be difficult, especially when it’s for long periods of time; it’s hard to maintain a healthy relationship when you are miles apart, and the moments when you can actually be together are few and far between. I make light of things, but it’s not something I look forward to at all. I’ve done the distance thing before, if you recall, and it was a bigger distance than what Wash and I face; Wash and I became rather spoiled over the last  8 months or so because we had several classes together and spent a lot of time with one another. That is something I will miss so very much. I’ve got just over 3 weeks before the move so we are going to make the most of them.

Quote of the Day: “So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows… but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you’re enjoying your life, and the next you’re wondering how you ever lived without them.” Will Smitch as Hitch in Hitch

Even the best fall down sometimes…

I just returned from the library, and I’m relaxing on my couch watching Tin Man on the SciFi channel. I have an idea of what I want to blog about, but I’m not sure how to put it into words. That’s happening to me quite a lot lately, like last Saturday night when I was talking to Wash after we left the movie theater. We’d gone to see The Proposal, and it was pretty awesome. But like the huge dork I am, I let a simple romantic comedy get me thinking. We were standing outside the car, and I was trying to explain somethings to him; the problem was that I couldn’t make the words come out right. Nothing is more frustrating than knowing exactly what to say but not being able to say it. I’ve tried very hard to come up with the right things to say and do, but I often feel very foolish because I just can’t do it. So I just do, I suppose, and hope it is the right thing.

I never thought that I would be in the position I am in now, where I am supposed to know things and be able to handle things. Until now, I was the inexperienced one, or at least my partner had the same amount of experience I did; but now, with Wash, I have the experience, I know all sorts of little tricks, and I have to take the lead. I’m a natural leader, and normally it pains me to follow anyone for very long; but when it comes to love I always pray I am leading in the right direction. I’ve talked about it before, and I know it sounds silly. The fact remains that it is just a little bit scary, but in a good way. I am scared, which is rare. I’m scared that I will screw it all up. I’m scared that I will do something stupid. I’m scared I will do something wrong. But most of all I’m just a bit scared of the future.

I’m scared of complications, which can and do arise a lot in my life. I’m scared of the potential problems and barriers that we will face.  I’m scared of myself , which makes no sense to most people; I’m afraid of my own bad habit of screwing up and being too guarded. I love Wash, very very much. I want more than anything to spend my life with him. I want us to be permanent and have that log house we talk about all the time. I want to chase each other up that spiral staircase we want so much, and I want to spend quiet moments on the porch swing. I want to fall asleep in his arms every night and wake up there each morning.  I want to be with him always, and I want to have a future with him. I’m not scared enough to run away, but I’m scared enough to hold on and keep going.

Quote of the Day: “I ain’t so afraid of losin’ somethin’ that I won’t have it.”- Zoe Washbourne, Firefly