I simply love this particular cartoon from xkcd especially now; I’m a liberal arts major turned law student, but I was math and science genius once upon a time, so the web comic rings true most of the time. Anyway, here’s why this particular comic panel hits me.

One of the hardest parts of being up here is that I am away from all the ones I love. My family and my boyfriend live in TN, while I’m up here in L-ville alone. I come home every night to an empty apartment, and my routine is the same every day. Get up, shower, eat breakfast, go to class, eat lunch, go to class, come home, work out, do homework, eat supper, do homework, try to get some sleep. If I’m lucky I get to have a decent phone conversation or text conversation with them sometimes. I do call my mother almost every night, or she calls me; I am after all a Southern woman. I try to go home every once in a while, but sometimes that’s not possible. Needless to say, I miss the people I love, and time I get to spend with them is very precious to me. Once upon a time I went through this, and I barely made it through. This time is different; this time I’m stronger and the love I share with Wash is more powerful.

I have the same feeling that the girl in the comic does each time I am with my friends and family. On date nights with Wash, as we kiss goodnight, I have this urge to spin counterclockwise in an effort to do just what the comic says. Lengthen the night and push back the dawn and give myself just a little more time with him. It gets extremely difficult to say goodnight and walk away, especially when I know that I will be heading north again and he will remain in the south. Some nights, especially when we’ve had one of our wonderful and deep coversations that always end with us feeling so much closer, its almost painful to leave. Some day I won’t have to leave; some day I won’t have to kiss him goodnight knowing that we won’t see each other again for a while. I look forward to that day. Yes, readers I do love him and if you find me in some parking lot standing to next to a remarkably sweet and good looking Southern man who answer to Wash spinning counterclockwise; I’m just making an attempt to lengthen the night and push back the dawn so that I can have a little more time in his arms.

First of all, in undergrad I took McDaniel courses, had Clyde for quite a few classes, and did mock trial, which were actually really good preparation for the adventure that is law school. There is a lot of reading and studying, and I spend at least three to four hours a night with the laptop up, my casebooks out, and a set of highlighters. This is just in preparation for class discussions; I have to brief between two and four cases per class in order to keep up, and then I go back and type up my briefs and compile my notes after each class in order to be able to create my outlines, which are very important. having McDaniel has taught me to read massive amounts of material, synthesize it for class discussion, and to manage my time between readings well. Mock Trial gave me something extra to balance, and learning that art of balancing it all has really helped me get through, I will talk about that later in this entry though.

Outlines are also very important for studying for finals, which begin right after Thanksgiving Break. So I guess I should explain why I am already working on them with finals so very far away. In law school you cover a large amount of material in a relatively short amount of time, which means that if you wait too long to get started on compiling your notes from class then you will spend the last three weeks of classes in full on panic mode worrying about how you will study your wide and varied notes thoroughly enough to be able to pass your finals. So I started outlining about a week and a half ago, and I spend at least an hour and half, often more, updating them after we finish a chunk of information in class. I have a separate spiral notebook for each class, and I am currently writing out my outlines, but when it gets closer to crunch time I will be typing them up and reorganizing them so that I get a second massive dose of working through the materials. It’s not fun or exciting, but it is important.

I’ve been spend a good two hours a night every other night working on my Closed Memo for BLS. Now you might think that working on a memo would be a quick task that would take an hour max to finish. And you would be wrong. The memo is actually a 1600 words or less monstrosity that is right now looming over my head and haunting my like Jacob Marley. It’s due October 5, and I am only about 1/3 of the way through my draft. It seems that every time I try to make some progress on it I get stuck. I did, however, finish my statement of facts, and it actually looks like it might be right. The thing has four basic parts, and I haven’t even really gotten deep into the hardest part of it. But with a little more perseverance I should be able to get through it. It’s frustrating, but not impossible.

I’ve made several discoveries over the past six weeks. First of all, there is an art to being able to balance law school and the rest of life, and I’d like to think I am doing a fairly good job of it. I manage to stay pretty much caught up and ahead in classes, find time to talk to Wash and the family on a regular basis, eat decent and pretty healthy meals, have at least an hour or so of relaxation every other day or so, and make time to go down to the fitness room in the apartment building for a workout. I have only had one melt down, and that was over something that was not completely law school related. Now if I could just find time to read my new Dan Brown novel; I’m afraid I will start reading it and get nothin’ done until I finish it. They aren’t lying to you when they tell you that law school is a full time job. But it is managable. I even figured out a way to be able to occassionally go home to TN in order to visit my family and the boyfriend. My “To Do” list grows, but with a bit of hard work I can keep it pruned down. I’m managing to keep up.

I’ve discovered that there are a lot of different kinds of law students around here, and then there are just plain strange people. I sit by a variety of characters, and at some point I will have to make a list of the “species” I’ve encounted. For now I’ll just tell you about a few of the more annoying ones. First, there are the entitled people; I figure they feel entitled to two or three chairs to theirselves no matter how busy and crowded the room is, since they insist on not putting their bags on the floor and will use an extra chair just to put their bags in. Half the time those bags are ratty old things that are just not that delicate. There are also the people who sit next to you in class and smack their gum. I have nothing against eating in class or drinking in class, I do it all the time, especially if I’m running late and breakfast for me is a couple of Pop Tarts and a bottle of water. I at least try to eat quietly. But honestly, if you can’t chew your food or gum quietly and must make loud smacking sounds as you roll spit and gum/food in your mouth, just refrain from eating in class because its distracting to those of us who are trying to pay attention so that we are not caught off guard when the professor calls on us. No one is going to accept “I’m sorry I couldn’t hear the question over the cow next to me chewing its cud.”  as a reason for not having the anwer. In addition to these, we also have some of the same kinds of people you have in undergrad, like the guy in the front or back of the room who will without fail complicate the issue at hand an insert random commentary based on his life experience.

Well considering the length of this post, which is crazy long, I’d say my blogger’s block is broken.

This all started with Wash, well sort of; I guess it started with the loss of the ex and meeting Wash. They say when life brings you to your knees you are in the perfect position to pray. It seems like a silly cliche, except that it’s true. I’d reached a point in my life where I felt lost and heartbroken and completely crushed; I didn’t know what to do or how to cope, which may be a little pathetic, but it’s the truth. And since I had no idea where to turn, I did the only thing I could think of, I hit my knees and started praying.  I asked for strength and guidance and faith and healing and hope and courage; I prayed for answers and for something I didn’t need the way I thought I did. And God answered some of my prayers. He gave strength and helped me heal; He gave me directions and put a man in my life who bring me back to where I belonged. He gave me Wash, and I thank God for that every day.  God gave me a second chance, and He gave me the strength and wisdom to take that chance.  It was a miracle, even if it was a small one.

And Wash brought me back, restored my faith, and took me to church with him. That may not seem like much to you, but it is worth more than I can ever describe. Once upon a time I went to church fairly often, almost every Sunday. And when I was seventeen years old my Pa died of a sudden stroke, he was in very good health when it happened, just a blood pressure issue that was managed well with medication. That summer, I went to VBS with my cousins, and at invitation one night I found myself responding. I don’t know why it happened, but it did. I suddenly found myself kneeling at the small alter in the front of the sanctuary and praying, tears streaming down my face. I’d finally answered that voice in my heart saying “Come to me. I will guide you. I will show you the way home.” That night the preacher asked me if I’d been baptized. I had not been, and he offered. Something happened though, and I never got around to it. I’m twenty two years old now, and for some reason I never went back. I guess maybe I just wasn’t ready.

What does that have to do with Wash? Well, a great deal actually. The love of my life is a good man, and a good Christian, and he has done for me something I can never repay. He led me back to God and to church. When I went to church, I went to a Baptist church, a very small one, and Wash is a Church of Christ man through and through. Now when I get to go to church with him, and I consider it a blessing that I do get to go with him sometimes, I go to a Church of Christ church. But the building is not the point, not really. The point is that I’m pretty sure that the man I love more than words was not only sent to heal my heart and give me a second chance to love again but sent to me to bring me to back to God again. I have not always been the best of people, and I have a great many flaws.  Living up here by myself gives me plenty of time to think and to talk to God. I’ve had time to consider the person I want to be, the kind of life I want to live, and the kind of partner Wash deserves. He deserves a partner who can be as devoted to God as he is, and the woman who stands beside him should be as a good a person and as good a Christian as he is. I strive to be that person, and I am trying very hard to make the changes in my life that I should in order to be able to be the kind of good person he deserves as a partner, a friend, and someday a wife. Wash’s patience is a gift because I’m often difficult, and I’m not always polite or positive or proper or appropriate. I can rude, and my language choices are not always the best or nicest. I’m slightly stubborn, willful, and resistant to changes in my essential me-ness or at least what I think is my essence. I am a work in progress, and maybe it’s finally time for the progress.

There is no quote of the day here because I cannot come up with a quote that fits just right.

So after reading a friend’s blog entry about this one, I finally decided I had to see it. I’d been thinking about seeing it for awhile, but I didn’t want to subject Wash to another chick flick, though it seems the only decent movies lately have been chick flicks. It saddens me because I love movies of all kinds, but there is some serious fail out there in movie making land. But I digress. Wash and I are pretty sure that we are not going to get another date night for a while due to the fact that I am getting to be a very busy law student and between work and class he’s going to be pretty short on time. Also, Wash brought my ring back from the jeweler’s, which makes me a very happy bunny. It was supposed to be a dinner and a movie kind of date, which is fairly normal for us, but he had some trouble getting off work on time and that made us run a bit late. That meant that we went to a movie about cooking and food, and we were starving because neither of us had eaten.

The movie was great actually, and if you haven’t seen I highly recommend that you do so immediately. Both Meryl Streep and Amy Adams were incredible, and Streep was absolutely dead on really. I did find Julie’s obsession with Julia a bit strange, but it didn’t take away from the overall effect of the movie. In fact I sort of understood why she clung to her the way she did, considering the effect of the stew dish she mentioned. Honestly, I identified with the film because I love to cook, and I would love to learn to cook as well as the two leading characters could. There was also the fact that Julie was a struggling writer with an unfinished novel. We left the movie starving, and I really had the urge to cook something with lots of butter. If I had the time and the fundage, I would definitely love to embark on the challenge of cooking my way through some famous cook’s cookbook in a year. But alas, law school makes you both broke and busy. Over all I think this is definitely on my list of movies I will require on DVD when it comes out. Also, while I may not buy it since I have a mad long list, this is also on my books I must read list. I wish that I could write a blog that spoke to people the way that Julie’s did or that I could write something important at all. I guess maybe I can hope for doing something important in the legal field instead.

Also, not to spoil the movie or anything, but I’ve decided that I want a marriage like Julia and Paul Child have in the movie. They were so very much in love and no matter what happened they managed to get by and were always supportive of each other. They had a very strong relationship that allowed them to live happily in most any situation. I want that very much for Wash and I. I want us to be able have a relationship that strong and be able to support each other no matter what. Even if life is difficult, as I know it will be when we are starting out, if we cfan have that kind of strong supportive and happy relationship, I will be a very happy woman. And I think that Wash and I can have that. We already have an amazing relationship, and life for us is not exactly easy, especially while I live in KY and he remains in TN. We are managing to be supportive and encouraging even though we are 200 miles apart. We maintain a powerful connection, and we remain very much in love regardless of what life throws at us.

Quote of the Day: Paul Child: What is it you REALLY like to do?
Julia Child: Eat! - Julie & Julia

First of all, I’ve discovered that I don’t hate everything about my body.  I have great legs that will look even better when I tone up my thighs, and my butt, while sort of huge,  looks pretty good in the right pair of pants. Mostly I need to sort of tone up and reshape my body. I’m accepting that I can’t change my natural bone structure, which is sort of wide and heavy. I’m not only exercising, but I’m eating right, which gives me more energy and makes me feel better. It keeps my body going and I don’t feel hungry or tired. Physically and mentally I keep myself going by treating myself right. If I don’t obsess over what I perceive as flaws and problems that are insurmountable, I can focus on keeping a steady pace.

The second thing that is keeping me going is the way I’ve set my goals. Instead of having some hard to reach ideal, like getting bikini ready in 6 weeks, I’ve decided to set small attainable goals that I can accomplish over time. My first goal is to work out at least 3 or 4 times a week every week for three weeks and to get a steady rhythm going. My next goal will be to keep that up for three or four more weeks. My ultimate goal is a summer goal; I do intend to lose about four or five pants sizes by this summer, which is more than 20 weeks away, giving me plenty of time to lose the weight and tone up at a healthy pace. I’d like to be down at least a size or two by April for the barrister’s ball, and then by summer I want to be trim and lean and swimsuit ready since I promised Wash that I would go to PCB with him.

The third thing that keeps me going is the support I’m getting from Wash. He’s trying to work out too, and so we are sort of in it together, even though we are miles apart. He reminds me that I can do it, and he gives me strength. His love helps me move forward even when I’m tired or frustrated. While I am losing the weight and getting slim for myself, knowing that Wash has back, so to speak, helps beyond words. You see I hope to marry him someday soon, and another goal I have involves that day. I don’t intend to be fat on my wedding day. I don’t want to go through what I did when I was hunting a prom dress, having so much trouble finding something that fits. It may be silly to think about that now, but if our luck goes well that day may come sooner than later.

Now my dear readers, I need a good exercise for tummy toning.

Quote of Day: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

I’ve had two days of classes, and so far it’s not been as terrible as they tell us. The Socratic method may be a bit frightening, especially when a case has been confusing, but if you at least try to know what you are talking about and read the cases it’s not as scary as it is portrayed. I’m pretty sure I like torts and property best so far; torts because the cases are interesting and property because of the way it is taught. It is hard work, and it is tiring. Already I get bogged down in my massive work load and it’s hard to stay focused on the task at hand. It’s harder than I expected in some ways, and easier in others. I’m not having too much trouble understanding the actual concepts, but at times it’s hard to keep plowing through 10 cases or more a night plus other readings. I am not giving up; I will do this.

It’s sort of lonely up here. I live alone, and I don’t know anyone. There is no one here who knows me; I mean really knows me. I feel sort of lost in enemy territory because there are few Southern accents and way too many city people around me. I feel out of sorts, as though I don’t belong here. By here I mean L-ville, not law school. I miss Wash a lot more than I probably should, but to be honest, he is one of a very few people who is allowed to truly know me. I’m terrified of losing myself, the essential Zoe, in all the stress and pressure and work. I have no one here, physically, who knows that essential part of me and who can remind me of who I am. I’m really jealous of the people who are already making great friends because I can’t seem to do that without feeling like I seem awkward and dumb, which is odd because I’m 22 and usually don’t have that problem. I normally just mesh somewhere, and I am not meshing well. I am also rather envious of those who have friends or significant others  up here. There are moments when I would do anything to curl up in Wash’s arms and stop thinking law school and property law and contracts and civil procedure.

Law school is not all bad though. I’m enjoying the challenge, though tiresome, and I enjoy learning the things I’m learning. There is also a sense of accomplishment when I finish briefing a case and understand it completely. I love that I am one step closer to my future and my career, even if this is a difficult step.

Quote of the Day: “God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer, an honest man.” - Benjamin Franklin

I only have a week or so before I move to KY, and I must say that I was not anticipating the way it sort of saddens me. I’m really excited about law school, don’t get me wrong, but at the same time I am nervous and scared. I also know that it is the beginning of difficult year for Wash and me. For the first time in our relationship, we will be apart for long periods of time with only phone and Internet to connect us. We’ve always had a date night, even if it was nothing really exciting, and we’ve always been able to finagle a way to see each other. It’s not going to be easy, not at all. I’ve done the long distance thing, and I survived; it’s not something I look forward to at all because I’ve discovered that even after a day I miss him. I distinctively recall that its a feeling that comes with being in love. Absense makes the heart grow fonder, or so they say. He’s something else dear readers. And I love him very much.

Having time to think is not always a good thing because it lets me find too much negative. We won’t see each other much; he will work a lot, and I will only be coming back to TN on weekends and holidays. I find myself hating the thought, and knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. Be strong, I remind myself. Have faith, I say to the mirror. I know there is nothing to be afraid of, but there is a part of me who is a little scared. There is after all that who, tried and failed business, which at times haunts me. Not that I don’t have faith in Wash because I do. I’m still a touch damaged, and Wash, who is amazing, has done more repair work on my heart, faith, and spirit than he will ever know. I was reminded that I am not invincible, and it has left me a bit gun shy at times. I’m better than I was before.

I don’t want to leave everything I have here, but if I’m to grow and meet the future, I have to go. Tears well up, every now and then; and readers I swore I’d never cry over a relationship again. It’s not like it’s forever, but it’s an awful long time, at least that’s how it feels; to be honest readers, I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. It seems the closer I get to moving day, the more I cling to home and to Wash. Yeah, big strong Zoe melts like ice cube on the sidewalk at the thought of distance again. I guess it’s because I’ve gotten so close to him, and I like it that way. I’m so used to knowing that I’ll seem him soon that I don’t know how to handle not. I’ll adjust eventually, or lose my mind.

I didn’t mean for this to be a sad entry, but they can’t all be happy.

Quote of the Day: “So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go” – ”Leaving on a Jet Plane” John Denver

So the goal is to become a thinner lighter Zoe, one who is much healthier and happier with who she is and what she looks like. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am happy with my appearance, but I know that I could do with some weight loss and some toning up. My face is round and slightly pudgy, which is something I’ve always hated about my appearance; my hips, thighs, butt, and tummy need some serious work, and I’m willing to admit that. I’m also willing to admit that it’s going to be a long road because I’m in serious need of work in order to get fit and I have some seriously bad eating and exercising and health habits that will be hard to break. But my friend Meg has inspired me, though I don’t have the courage to make an entire blog about it. However, you can expect updates on my progress. I’m actually fairly excited about this little plan.

Obstacles I will face

Wednesday night there was a preacher who means a lot to Wash speaking at his church, and so I went with him to that. Going to church is a big deal for Wash, and by big deal I mean that it is an extremely  important part of his life. While I have never been super religious, I do believe in God and that Jesus was his Son, sent to die on the cross for our sins; I kept saying that I needed to go back to church, but for some reason I never got around to going. I used to go with my Nanny almost every Sunday, but as I got older I guess a little bit of my faith started to fade; then life got hectic and, like a typical human being, I failed to realize that I was losing faith at a time when I needed it most. Latel though, some of that faith is coming back, and I have Wash to thank for that.  To be honest, meeting Wash was like a message from God, reminding me that I need to have faith and I need to believe again. He is in a way, an answered prayer.

We figured that since we won’t be able to talk much next week, we out to do one more night out. So last night I tagged along with him when he went up to the Mountain to set his stuff up and lay claim to his bunk. The Mountain is one of the most beautiful places, and it had been a while since I’d been that far up there. Like an idiot I forgot to bring a jacket or wear something with sleeves because it is a bit chill up there. We were up there an hour or so, between the standing around talking and the waiting on Wash to fix his bunk up, and then we headed back to the Boro for dinner. I was craving Chinese, for some unknown reason, and so we went to one of those little buffet places. The food wasn’t terrible, but it’s not the best I’ve eaten. But then again I’m a huge food snob. I miss my Wash already.

Speaking of missing my Wash, in a few weeks I will be in Louisville, and Wash will remain in TN. I will miss him very much, especially since he will work a lot, and I will only be coming back to TN on weekends and holidays. It will be one of the first real tests of our relationship. Distance can be difficult, especially when it’s for long periods of time; it’s hard to maintain a healthy relationship when you are miles apart, and the moments when you can actually be together are few and far between. I make light of things, but it’s not something I look forward to at all. I’ve done the distance thing before, if you recall, and it was a bigger distance than what Wash and I face; Wash and I became rather spoiled over the last  8 months or so because we had several classes together and spent a lot of time with one another. That is something I will miss so very much. I’ve got just over 3 weeks before the move so we are going to make the most of them.

Quote of the Day: “So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows… but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you’re enjoying your life, and the next you’re wondering how you ever lived without them.” Will Smitch as Hitch in Hitch

I never thought that I would be in the position I am in now, where I am supposed to know things and be able to handle things. Until now, I was the inexperienced one, or at least my partner had the same amount of experience I did; but now, with Wash, I have the experience, I know all sorts of little tricks, and I have to take the lead. I’m a natural leader, and normally it pains me to follow anyone for very long; but when it comes to love I always pray I am leading in the right direction. I’ve talked about it before, and I know it sounds silly. The fact remains that it is just a little bit scary, but in a good way. I am scared, which is rare. I’m scared that I will screw it all up. I’m scared that I will do something stupid. I’m scared I will do something wrong. But most of all I’m just a bit scared of the future.

I’m scared of complications, which can and do arise a lot in my life. I’m scared of the potential problems and barriers that we will face.  I’m scared of myself , which makes no sense to most people; I’m afraid of my own bad habit of screwing up and being too guarded. I love Wash, very very much. I want more than anything to spend my life with him. I want us to be permanent and have that log house we talk about all the time. I want to chase each other up that spiral staircase we want so much, and I want to spend quiet moments on the porch swing. I want to fall asleep in his arms every night and wake up there each morning.  I want to be with him always, and I want to have a future with him. I’m not scared enough to run away, but I’m scared enough to hold on and keep going.

Quote of the Day: “I ain’t so afraid of losin’ somethin’ that I won’t have it.”- Zoe Washbourne, Firefly