Zoe the Law Student

I have moved three hours and 200 miles away from the Boro, and it’s a strange feeling. I live in a one bedroom apartment downtown in L-ville, and it’s in the middle of the hospital district. I am pretty much on my own, with my family, friends, and Wash still in the Boro; I miss them a lot. I’m just a bit too north for my taste, and there is a distinctive lack of Southern accents and sweet tea that is a bit disturbing. I’m pretty sure that L-ville has my allergies all screwed up, and I’m also pretty sure I’m developing a sinus infection judging by my congestion and headaches. There are no sick days in law school, not really, so I will just muscle through until I back to TN this weekend to see the doctor. Yeah, my body is rebelling from the lack of sleep, lack of proper diet, and general stress from getting used to my new course load and work load; Zoe is bad about dishing out abuse on her body. I am hoping that soon enough I will get into the swing of things and be able to start eating better and working out again. Sleep on the other hand will probably be a rare commodity for awhile. So for now I will just drink my orange juice and do my work and survive.

I’ve had two days of classes, and so far it’s not been as terrible as they tell us. The Socratic method may be a bit frightening, especially when a case has been confusing, but if you at least try to know what you are talking about and read the cases it’s not as scary as it is portrayed. I’m pretty sure I like torts and property best so far; torts because the cases are interesting and property because of the way it is taught. It is hard work, and it is tiring. Already I get bogged down in my massive work load and it’s hard to stay focused on the task at hand. It’s harder than I expected in some ways, and easier in others. I’m not having too much trouble understanding the actual concepts, but at times it’s hard to keep plowing through 10 cases or more a night plus other readings. I am not giving up; I will do this.

It’s sort of lonely up here. I live alone, and I don’t know anyone. There is no one here who knows me; I mean really knows me. I feel sort of lost in enemy territory because there are few Southern accents and way too many city people around me. I feel out of sorts, as though I don’t belong here. By here I mean L-ville, not law school. I miss Wash a lot more than I probably should, but to be honest, he is one of a very few people who is allowed to truly know me. I’m terrified of losing myself, the essential Zoe, in all the stress and pressure and work. I have no one here, physically, who knows that essential part of me and who can remind me of who I am. I’m really jealous of the people who are already making great friends because I can’t seem to do that without feeling like I seem awkward and dumb, which is odd because I’m 22 and usually don’t have that problem. I normally just mesh somewhere, and I am not meshing well. I am also rather envious of those who have friends or significant others  up here. There are moments when I would do anything to curl up in Wash’s arms and stop thinking law school and property law and contracts and civil procedure.

Law school is not all bad though. I’m enjoying the challenge, though tiresome, and I enjoy learning the things I’m learning. There is also a sense of accomplishment when I finish briefing a case and understand it completely. I love that I am one step closer to my future and my career, even if this is a difficult step.

Quote of the Day: “God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer, an honest man.” - Benjamin Franklin

So I have a plan

Dear readers, I figured I would write a little bit about my latest plan. I know, not exactly the most exciting thing to blog about, but hey, I don’t think many people are reading this thing anyway. What is this plan? Well I’m hoping that if I get started on my fitness quest before I start law school in the next two weeks, I will be less likely to give up as time goes on and things get more difficult. Starting Saturday I will be working very hard to achieve my goal.

So the goal is to become a thinner lighter Zoe, one who is much healthier and happier with who she is and what she looks like. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am happy with my appearance, but I know that I could do with some weight loss and some toning up. My face is round and slightly pudgy, which is something I’ve always hated about my appearance; my hips, thighs, butt, and tummy need some serious work, and I’m willing to admit that. I’m also willing to admit that it’s going to be a long road because I’m in serious need of work in order to get fit and I have some seriously bad eating and exercising and health habits that will be hard to break. But my friend Meg has inspired me, though I don’t have the courage to make an entire blog about it. However, you can expect updates on my progress. I’m actually fairly excited about this little plan.

Obstacles I will face

1. I’m addicted to caffeine and chocolate, two things that aren’t exactly healthy. Along those same lines, I have a serious sweet tooth, and one of my favorite things is to bake and create sweet treats because it allows me to be creative.
2. I have a bad snacking habit; I snack while I work on papers and stuff and while I read, and I’m really bad about getting the munchies, especially during a certain week. I’m working to improve this by drinking more water and eating healthier snacks like apples, raw almonds, and popcorn that I pop myself with no butter and just a very little salt.
3. I don’t sleep as well as I should; I’m really bad about not sleeping when I should or getting enough sleep. I know that sleep is important because it helps your body recharge and repair. I’m not sure what to do about the sleep issue because it’s a matter of not being able to convince myself to shut down.
4. I tend to get stressed and irritated, and when I do I get distracted. This is a problem because I let my stress and frustration distract me from my work out, for example I get too mad to run or lift weights or whatever. So to combat this little hitch, I’m going to turn my frustration and irritation into work out fuel.
5. I tend to get too busy and too tired to work out. I will become so mired down in work and other life stresses, and it flat wears me out. I lack the energy to do the work out I know I should be doing. I’m not sure how I will combat this problem cause, to be honest, I’ve never been able to do it in the past.
6. I’m not patient, and so when I don’t start seeing results soon enough, I find it hard to keep it up. I know that it takes time to start seeing weight loss and a change in the way my clothes fit, but I’ve never been a very patient person. I think this problem that arises from growing up in a family of drag racers.

I’m determined to make this work, and I will succeed this time, even though I have not before now. Now is the time for me; if not now then when? I keep putting it off and waiting, but I can’t do that any more. If I keep doing that I will never do it; I know that. I have never been super thin or really fit, but once upon a time I was not as fat as I am now. My hope is that by next summer, when I go to PCB with Wash because I promised him I would go, that I will be fit and pretty and swimsuit ready. I want to be all toned and gorgeous and everything, and I will be. I know that underneath my chunk is pretty, and I am determined to find it

Matters of the Heart

I shall try to attempt to avoid giving Wash a complex with this one, since I know how he feels about this kind of thing, but I’ve got to blog it out before it drives me crazy. I know Wash likes to read my blog, so I will just let him know right now, none of this means that things are changing between us. I like us, and I like they way things are going between us. I would like there to continue to be an us.

My dear readers, I’ve had another one of those days. I was finally healing up; the old wound was finally closing and while a piece of me would always be a little screwed up, I was finally working my way past it.  I was chilling on the couch, healing my LSAT melted brain, when I got a text from Spoony, the ex. I haven’t heard from him since December, when he sent me a message on myspace, which I will not get into, and I was finally letting it all go. I had been talking to Wash, via text, while he was at work, I’m assuming, and I was relaxing after the LSAT, and so when my phone went off I naturally thought it was from Wash. But it wasn’t, it was three words from Spoony that opened up an old wound and poured salt in it: “I got married!” It wasn’t the fact that I now know that there is no shot that we will ever get back together, I knew that a long time ago. I suppose it was just the fact that he destroyed me and then he got married before me, if it’s even true. I suppose it  was the fact that I’d finally pushed it all almost to the back, and there was a reminder of all that had been, all the good that vanished, all that was supposed to be. I guess it was partially the fact that he knew what it could do to me and did it anyway. But I’m healing again, and I will ok. I don’t need the ex, and I don’t want him back. I have Wash, and Wash makes me happy. I care about him, and maybe, just maybe things will work out with him. It’s for the best really, and I am going to be just fine.

Speaking of Wash and matters of the heart, I suppose  that message should do something positve in that it should remove any fears or thoughts that Spoony will get between us, not that I think Wash was concerned about it. And it also means, that if there was even a small part of me that held out hope, it can now be shut down, and I can be open to letting myself fall if it happens. I really do care a lot for Wash, and we are really clicking. I’m very happy with him, very happy, and things are moving forward at a normal pace. We’ve been together three months, and I’ve met his ‘rents, who for some strange reason like me; we are probably going to do round two, and he can meet my ‘rents some time in the near future. I think I’ll keep him around, readers, I really like him a lot. Things happen for a reason, and though it may seem hokey, perhaps I was meant lose the ex in order to find the right one. I don’t know that Wash is the right one, but maybe he is. And if he is then things will work out. I do want to see where this goes, to see whether or not this can last, and like I told Wash the other day. “We’ll see where this goes. It’s too soon to tell. But it will be like the distance of a superspeedway, with all the chaos that is Bristol.” Yes, Wash, I do want to keep you around for a while, and I think I will.

Valentine’s Day is next Saturday, and I’ve bought his present. I need to get some red wrapping paper and pick up a few things because as always the first V-day should be special. I have no idea what we are going to do, other than the typical dinner, because there is nothing to do in this stupid town. I mean, the good news is that Wash has the night off, which means we get to be normal. But I hate to drag him to yet another chick flick, and the only decent movie left that we haven’t seen, that would be a V-day movie, is the new one He’s Just Not That Into You. It doesn’t seem to be one either of us would be interested in, and so now I’m thinking maybe we should have waited to see Bride Wars, which was hilarious and a great movie, this weekend instead of last monday. Plus I have a bad feeling the movie theater will be jam packed.  Hindsight my friends, it is 20/20. So I’m still racking my brain for V-day plans that don’t include me dressed ridiculously nice at the bowling alley. It’s harder than you think, regardless of my female brain and it’s supposedly great ability to come up with stuff like this. But I have some shopping to do, so I will dash off, and continue to rack my brain for plans for a special V-day with Wash.

Quote of the Day:  “Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you’ll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but theres also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who’s been standing beside you all along. ” – Marion St. Claire, Bride Wars

Ch-Ch-Changes

Well readers, I’ve been meaning to let you know that this was happening, but with finals and papers and all manner of crazy that is occurring, it totally slipped my mind. The name of this blog is changing from The Life and Times of a Girl Called Lucky to The Life and Times of a Woman Called Zoe. You see Zoe is sort of the mature, slightly, and at least adult revamp of Lucky. Same author, new name to represent a change in the author’s world view and the like. The girl who started this blog as a freshman in college has at least to some extent, maybe the smallest extent, grown up and she has sort of faded. All the lessons that Lucky has learned have been added to the knowledge and perspective of Zoe. Now faced with the looming real world of law school and then real life as opposed to the at least somewhat sheltered life of a college student, Zoe has emerged, and she was a long time coming. I mean think have started happening that make me think in very adult future oriented fashion. For example, TBR, Tennessee Board of Regents, a committee overseeing my campus has been doing things that will seriously devalue my degree, meaning that I along with other students with brains and lead by intelligent professors who care about our education have to fight. TBR wants to do things like force students to take online classes and take professors out of the classroom, and they have nerve to say that the professors and faculty who are letting us, the students, know what is happening are being irresponsible. So you see, dear readers, I now have to worry about the fact some crazy idiots may pass a ‘business model’ plan that might make my degree worthless.

Besides that Lucky was Spoony’s girl, and she was sort of scared and nervous. She wasn’t as confident nor as strong as I have become recently with the help of good friends, like Brandi and S-ra. She was a bit less snarky and blunt, and she didn’t always tell it like it is the way I do now. I used to be different, less in your face and bam. But now I see that I can’t be Lucky anymore because Lucky got kicked around and walked all over, and I refuse to let that happen anymore.  Zoe stands up, and Lucky took it. I guess this may sound stupid to my readers, and if you decide this diminishes me and what I say, then fine, I won’t take it personally. Honestly, Lucky is childish, and Zoe is less so. I won’t say that the snark will be more mature or the ideas will suddenly become ‘adult’ because I’m still in my early twenties, but I will say that I will have less of a childish feel.

Priorities have also changed for me. It’s now not just about the grades and then being approved of by my peers and whether I am a likable person. Yes I realize that not caring how many people like me may seem a little harsh and callous and whatnot, but honestly it no longer seems important that everyone loves me and finds me pleasant. I am strong enough to make it without the approval of everyone in the world. Lucky would’ve worried a lot about whether or not Spoony and the mockers and all the professors and everyone else thought she was ok. I don’t think I need that anymore, I’m not the girl I used to be. I am Zoe, changing my name here just marks a change in me.

Quote of the Day:  “Who I am is who I wanna be ” –Reba McEntire, “I’m a Survivor”

On Being Strong…

There is no question that life has taught me that I must be strong. It has also taught me what it means to be strong and what real strength is and isn’t. Life has given me excellent guides in some of the women I have come into contact with. My mother fought cervical cancer and won. Both my maternal and paternal grandmothers lost their husbands and have survived to keep really living. My Great Grandmother has made it through TIAs and the loss of her husband. And Brandi, my mock trial coach and friend has taught me that it is OK to be a strong, brave, and intelligent woman, and that people like me can make it into law school and into the legal profession. So life, while being bitchy and cruel at times, has given me a great deal as well.

I am strong, and I know that. It sounds snide and concieted, but it’s the truth. I can take on most anything that comes my way, and I can handle a lot. I’ve been forced to become strong because I am female want to be a lawyer, because I am Southern and want the respect of my intellectual peers, because I am difficult to handle and want to be loved, because I have been dealt losses and heartbreak and must keep going. I can be snarky and abrasive, and I am harsh and sarcastic. There seem to be three categories that people around me fall into. I either take care of you, run over you, or meet you as an equal, and that makes it difficult for me to make friends, find love, and be handled. I’m the kind of girl who generally refuses to be taken care of and refuses to show weakness. I hide if I need to cry, and I make war against illness and attempt to push through it, often at the expense of my own well being. I chase people off, especially when they might see me at a weak moment. As I grow older, I grow more guarded. I protect myself, and I take care of others. I do battle with the world, and I rarely tolerate stupidity.

And so now I must be strong enough to realize that I cannot change the past. I must be strong enough to accept that loving him may not bring him back. I will be strong enough to realize that I can make it without him and strong enough to realize that I will find a man strong enough to handle me. I am strong enough to be weak, strong enough to let go. I realize that I don’t have to pretend that I don’t hurt to be strong strong. I realize that just because this happened doesn’t mean that I am not strong. I must learn that even the strongest of us cry and break, and I must learn that I cannot always be the one to take care of it all. My strength is nothing to regret; it is something to harness. I can and will be strong. I thank everyone who has taught me that, who has given me advice, who has stood not just behind me, but beside me. I thank whoever granted me this strength and gave me the strong women who have been my friends and guides over the years.

Readers, I leave you with this final note of the post. Be strong and have faith in yourselves. Don’t accept those who do not accept you. Don’t settle or give up your strength for anyone, and don’t let the weak bring you down. And to the men in my future. Take me as I am, with all my strength. If you wish to handle me, you better damn well be strong enough to do so. I’m tired of beign the sole source of strength for people. I may be strong, but I am not strong enough to bear it all of my shoulders, nor should I have to. I know that now. I am strong, and I will always be.

Quote of the Day: “Take me for what I am
who I was meant to be
and if you give a damn
take me baby
or leave me” Take Me or Leave Me, RENT