On Being Strong…

There is no question that life has taught me that I must be strong. It has also taught me what it means to be strong and what real strength is and isn’t. Life has given me excellent guides in some of the women I have come into contact with. My mother fought cervical cancer and won. Both my maternal and paternal grandmothers lost their husbands and have survived to keep really living. My Great Grandmother has made it through TIAs and the loss of her husband. And Brandi, my mock trial coach and friend has taught me that it is OK to be a strong, brave, and intelligent woman, and that people like me can make it into law school and into the legal profession. So life, while being bitchy and cruel at times, has given me a great deal as well.

I am strong, and I know that. It sounds snide and concieted, but it’s the truth. I can take on most anything that comes my way, and I can handle a lot. I’ve been forced to become strong because I am female want to be a lawyer, because I am Southern and want the respect of my intellectual peers, because I am difficult to handle and want to be loved, because I have been dealt losses and heartbreak and must keep going. I can be snarky and abrasive, and I am harsh and sarcastic. There seem to be three categories that people around me fall into. I either take care of you, run over you, or meet you as an equal, and that makes it difficult for me to make friends, find love, and be handled. I’m the kind of girl who generally refuses to be taken care of and refuses to show weakness. I hide if I need to cry, and I make war against illness and attempt to push through it, often at the expense of my own well being. I chase people off, especially when they might see me at a weak moment. As I grow older, I grow more guarded. I protect myself, and I take care of others. I do battle with the world, and I rarely tolerate stupidity.

And so now I must be strong enough to realize that I cannot change the past. I must be strong enough to accept that loving him may not bring him back. I will be strong enough to realize that I can make it without him and strong enough to realize that I will find a man strong enough to handle me. I am strong enough to be weak, strong enough to let go. I realize that I don’t have to pretend that I don’t hurt to be strong strong. I realize that just because this happened doesn’t mean that I am not strong. I must learn that even the strongest of us cry and break, and I must learn that I cannot always be the one to take care of it all. My strength is nothing to regret; it is something to harness. I can and will be strong. I thank everyone who has taught me that, who has given me advice, who has stood not just behind me, but beside me. I thank whoever granted me this strength and gave me the strong women who have been my friends and guides over the years.

Readers, I leave you with this final note of the post. Be strong and have faith in yourselves. Don’t accept those who do not accept you. Don’t settle or give up your strength for anyone, and don’t let the weak bring you down. And to the men in my future. Take me as I am, with all my strength. If you wish to handle me, you better damn well be strong enough to do so. I’m tired of beign the sole source of strength for people. I may be strong, but I am not strong enough to bear it all of my shoulders, nor should I have to. I know that now. I am strong, and I will always be.

Quote of the Day: “Take me for what I am
who I was meant to be
and if you give a damn
take me baby
or leave me” Take Me or Leave Me, RENT

A Letter to Me at several stages in my life

Currently Listening to: Letter to Me by Brad Paisley 
Currently Reading: Night Mare by Piers Anthony
Current Projects: ConLaw Term Paper, ChildLit Research Paper, Plotting Summer Adventures
Current Countdowns: 24 days until 3rd Anniversary; 26 days till finals begin

Ok before I start this post let me encourage you to read other posts in this blog. While many of my posts stand alone, those happen to be my snarky commentaries on society and the world around me. Posts about my life are less stand alone since to understand one fully is difficult if you take it out of context.

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Dear Lucky at age 16-17,

I know this may be strange but hey, it’s you at 20. In case you don’t believe me, look in your bag. There will be a black and white composition book called the Rant Book, which holds all your hurt and angry thoughts, and you have a thing for a guy people call Spoony. Yeah only you and I would know that at this point. So listen up, cause this might help you through a lot.

I know things seem a little dark, and you feel lost. That damn Rant Book is full of tear-stained and ink covered pages, and you think that things will never get better, but babe, just have a little faith. That guy you crush on so badly… he’s going to fall in love with you, just give it time. You won’t have to stress about prom, he’ll take you. Papa may have died, but he’s still in your heart. His death will give you a driving force that will propel you forward with the hopes of punishing doctors who screw up people’s lives because they don’t pay attention. Take a deep breath and calm down, don’t do anything crazy. Stop hitting the wall and look around. You have to carry on and be strong. It will be better if you do. Also things are going to be rough for awhile. Pa is gone and Nanny needs you, and you won’t be able to count on your cousin anymore. She’s not what you thought. There will be a lot of tears and anger, but you’ll get by, and it will make you stronger. And when Spoony leaves you confused, just be patient. He’ll be back and he will clear it all up, I promise. And remember, you are beautiful, no matter what they say or what you look like. You may feel ugly and fat, but you have to believe that you are beautiful because if you don’t then no one else will. Love yourself. Don’t think about starving yourself to be pretty, it’s not going to make you happy.

Trust me, I know. LUCKY

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Dear Lucky at 18-19,

Never thought you’d make it this far did you? Well you have, and you are a very strong and brave girl for making it. I know you’re going through some scary things right now, like Wallis-san’s death and doubts about your relationship and fear about law school. It’s all going to be ok. There’s this place, you’ll find it when you least expect it, called DLS, and you won’t believe it will change your life. But it will save you because the people there are amazing and they care. You’ll finally see that you aren’t alone, and you don’t have to be scared. There are a lot of cool friends you’ll meet who share your feelings and secrets.

You and Spoony will make it, in fact things will be a lot better, just be patient, I know it’s hard, but be calm and breathe. He’s going to come home, and he’ll visit twice before that, and it will be amazing. He loves you, and he’ll be there when you least expect it. But don’t get so complacent because it will not be a cake walk all the time. Keep posting in DLS and talking, don’t bottle it all up and explode. And for heaven’s sake talk to him, he deserves to know what’s going on.

Oh and by the way… when you go to the beach with J, try to enjoy it. It won’t be the best thing in the world, but it will be time away from home and sort of relaxing. And don’t spend your whole vacation stressing over that stupid picture, it’s nothing. And don’t worry about your body in that swim suit… it’s not that big of a deal. I know you want to be thinner and fitter, but stress only makes you fatter. Wear a bit more sunscreen, especially on your face. Don’t underestimate the sun or overestimate your skin’s tolerance.

Stop stressing about your body and your weight. It’s going to work out and you’ll feel better. It will not be easy, but if you calm down maybe you’ll come up with some kind of strategy for getting rid of those pounds. Look in the mirror and see the real you, the beautiful young woman behind the stress. Get some sleep for a change. Just because you are in college doesn’t mean sleep is not a necessity. Eat better and do try not to get readdicted to caffiene. Take the long way home from mock the day the teams are reformed… cause if you don’t you’ll roll the blazer and you’ll be without a car. Study for those exams and pay more attention in that Political Status of Women class, that professor is more of a bitch than you thought.

Don’t forget to live, trust me I know this stuff. LUCKY

Be patient with those who give advice

Once again it appears my post 42 things girls should do for guys has brought out a question. I shall now attempt to give a bit of advice on relationships. I don’t often dispense advice often because advice is something that should be given cautiously. [Disclaimer: Lucky just had yet another Lord of the Rings, elven moment]

Question:“I’m a Junior in high school, and I’ve had quite a few relationships by now. I consider myself quite experienced in having boyfriends. But I now have a boyfriend whom has never had a girlfriend before. He too is a junior. It’s only been a couple of weeks, but I feel things are going so slow. He’s shy and the relationship is so awkward. I have talked to him about it, and he is aware of it, but things are only changed slightly. My friends say I should be making the first moves. …Help???”

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Sandy,
Sometimes guys can be just as shy as girls and according to the Spoon, my beloved boyfriend, it’s often due to being nervous. And since this guy has never had a girlfriend before it’s going to be awkward, he’s probably as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. New relationships are often awkward because they are just starting out and you have to figure things out. If it’s only been a couple of weeks give it time to work itself out. Honestly, you can’t expect instant results, hon, they don’t just happen, at least for the most part.

Now onto you making the moves. Here’s the deal, and be prepared for a little blunt honest advice from Lucky, get some guts and act. It is completely appropriate for girls to make the first move every now and again. This is not the 50s or earlier where making the first move brands you slutty and stupid. Initiate something and see where it goes. You can grab his hand, you can be the one that kisses him first, honestly wherever you are wanting to take this, you can start going first. Talking doesn’t always help because he may know that you feel awkward and want him to make a move, but he may not know what to do. You said you were his first girlfriend so, take the lead, it will help you both. And keep talking, don’t just shut down because you get frustrated.

Perhaps if you start making the first moves he’ll loosen up and things will get better. If he sees that you are comfortable moving forward and sees where you want to go, then I think it’s possible that he will feel more comfortable moving in that direction as well. I’m no expert, but that’s my two cents. Talk to him some more and get the courage to act. You are just as guilty of making things slow if you don’t make a move either. Communication is key, and with a little work things just might work out.

Just remember Lucky is no relationship expert, just a college junior with some experience. Relationships are trial and error and there are no guarantees. I certainly wish you the best of luck.

Lucky

“Dispensing advice is a type of nostalgia”

Going back and checking my comments I sometimes feel compelled to offer some reply at times. I recieved a comment on 42 things that girls should do for guys asking for some advice. I’m not in business of dispensing advice often because advice is something that should be given cautiously. [Disclaimer: Lucky just had a Lord of the Rings, elven moment]

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Shyla,
Here’s the deal, relationships are rarely easy. Erina, who commented back, is right. Email is very very high school, and almost too immature for high school. Telling a guy you how you feel is very difficult, and email may seem like a safe bet, exccept that email is impersonal and not everything can be conveyed properly through email. Talk to him, face to face, it doesn’t have to be in ‘public’ as you put it, but face to face is best. Ask him to meet you somewhere, and tell him in private if you don’t want to tell him in front of a bunch of people.

As for the busy schedules, if he feels the same way you can work it out. Trust me, you are talking to the queen of working out schedules. Spoony and I live in different states and different time zones. I know it may seem like a daunting task but if you really want this to work put forth the effort. Do not allow a busy schedule to make you miss out on something great. You will regret it later, I can promise you that much. Go for it and see how it goes.

Finally I can’t promise you that things will work out exactly as you want them to, in fact I can tell you things don’t play out the way you plan them very often. I’m no therapist, councelor, guru, etc. But I do have experience in things like this. College, age differences, and busy schedules will try to get in your way, but if you want it to work, you will figure something out. Life and love are rarely simple, but nothing ever really is. I wish you the best of luck Shyla, and hope things turn out well for you.

Lucky out.

More Advice From the College Girl

I am a second semester sophomore in college and shall definitely be a junior next year. This gives me a great deal of insight into the world that is college, so I decided to pass on some of my knowledge all you college freshmen as well as those of you soon to be college freshmen. Well any college student might be able to benefit from this entry. So here are some notes, lessons, and hints about college that I’ve learned in the past two years.

• Live life. College is amazing, you meet people from everywhere. Don’t let class get in your way when it comes to living life. By all means, go to parties, stay up late with friends, spend too much time on aim and other instant messagers instead of working. Enjoy college life for all its worth because the experiences are once in a life time. You don’t get a redo on the party you missed last weekend.
• Get on Facebook. It’s addicting and fun. You will meet people in classes that you’ll want to stay in touch with, but the bad thing is you may not be able to have another class with them. Facebook lets you keep up with people even if you don’t get to see them all the time. It’s a great way to stay in touch with new friends and find new people. Join groups, post notes, share pictures.
• Go to class once in a while. Don’t let life get in the way of getting your degree either. I know that the first note said don’t let class get in the way of life, but you do still have to get an education at some point. Attend class, study if need be, and learn something. The good thing is that you meet people who will be able to help you in classes and help you survive.
• Get involved. Find something you enjoy and get into it. For me it’s Mock Trial, for you it may be sports or going Greek. Whatever it is just do it. Meet people, hang out, enjoy life. It gives you a way to both relax and meet people. You’ll find something you’re good at and find friends who share interests.
• Register early. When you register for classes do it as soon as possible. Otherwise you’ll have issues getting classes you want and need.
• Visit Rate My Professor. Check out professors before you take their class. It’s a sometimes helpful way to find out about their teaching styles, grading styles, and much more. Just find your school then the professor. But take everything here with a grain of salt cause not everyone rates fairly or honestly.
• Be a camera whore/picture junkie. Everything happens fast in life, and college is no different. There are things you’ll want to remember for a long time. Take pictures and save them because somethings will only happen once and when they’re gone, they’re gone. But photos last a lifetime, provided you don’t discover they are of thing you wish you could forget and burn them.
• Don’t lose yourself. Sometimes you get wrapped up in the college life and forget who you are. Don’t let it happen. College will change you. Let college help you find out who you really are instead of losing yourself. Don’t let people tell you who you should be and get convinced to do things that you don’t want to do and will regret. It should happen like that.