Even the best fall down sometimes…

I just returned from the library, and I’m relaxing on my couch watching Tin Man on the SciFi channel. I have an idea of what I want to blog about, but I’m not sure how to put it into words. That’s happening to me quite a lot lately, like last Saturday night when I was talking to Wash after we left the movie theater. We’d gone to see The Proposal, and it was pretty awesome. But like the huge dork I am, I let a simple romantic comedy get me thinking. We were standing outside the car, and I was trying to explain somethings to him; the problem was that I couldn’t make the words come out right. Nothing is more frustrating than knowing exactly what to say but not being able to say it. I’ve tried very hard to come up with the right things to say and do, but I often feel very foolish because I just can’t do it. So I just do, I suppose, and hope it is the right thing.

I never thought that I would be in the position I am in now, where I am supposed to know things and be able to handle things. Until now, I was the inexperienced one, or at least my partner had the same amount of experience I did; but now, with Wash, I have the experience, I know all sorts of little tricks, and I have to take the lead. I’m a natural leader, and normally it pains me to follow anyone for very long; but when it comes to love I always pray I am leading in the right direction. I’ve talked about it before, and I know it sounds silly. The fact remains that it is just a little bit scary, but in a good way. I am scared, which is rare. I’m scared that I will screw it all up. I’m scared that I will do something stupid. I’m scared I will do something wrong. But most of all I’m just a bit scared of the future.

I’m scared of complications, which can and do arise a lot in my life. I’m scared of the potential problems and barriers that we will face.  I’m scared of myself , which makes no sense to most people; I’m afraid of my own bad habit of screwing up and being too guarded. I love Wash, very very much. I want more than anything to spend my life with him. I want us to be permanent and have that log house we talk about all the time. I want to chase each other up that spiral staircase we want so much, and I want to spend quiet moments on the porch swing. I want to fall asleep in his arms every night and wake up there each morning.  I want to be with him always, and I want to have a future with him. I’m not scared enough to run away, but I’m scared enough to hold on and keep going.

Quote of the Day: “I ain’t so afraid of losin’ somethin’ that I won’t have it.”- Zoe Washbourne, Firefly

It’s Complicated

So getting accepted to a law school is only half the battle. The harder part is paying for that education and getting everything settled. You see I have to look up student loans and scholarships, and I’ve already sent in my seat deposit. Law school is expensive, and I’m not sure how I will pay for it. I know that once I get out I will have a truck load of debt to repay, but I will come up with a way to handle it all. I have to. The tricky part is not going overboard; I don’t want to be so far in debt that digging myself out becomes almost impossible.I just don’t want to be in some much debt that when it comes time for the future it becomes even more difficult to begin my life. I don’t like the idea of debt, though I know it’s pretty impossible to avoid. At the moment, I only have one real payment to make, and that is the insurance on my blazer. Eventually I will be buyin’ my own food again, more than I did when I was in college, and I will have to pay for room and board at Brandeis. I’m pretty sure that the days of living on my scholarship refund are over and done. I had to grow up sometime. I will need to look for work, possibly, though I’m not sure that I will be able to hold down even a part time job while in law school, especially during my first year, since I heard that in your first year they scare you to death with the amount of work.

Getting everything settled has been a challenge. I’ve had to set up two accounts so far, one for my student email and one for student housing, and I’m sure that I will have to do another before I even get to the campus. The moving in will be a pain because I will have drag all my stuff, at least the stuff I’m going to bring, across state lines to KY. Good thing I drive a mid-size SUV, I guess. I’ve been to Louisville twice, both times I was on a regionals trip with the mockers, those crazies who do Mock Trial at MTSU; I stayed in a hotel room and only went out to get food and to go to the courthouse for rounds. I’ve never actually looked around the city to see what is there. Not that I anticipate a lot of time to go out and do things. When I get home from Myrtle, I’m going to call or email and schedule a tour of the campus before orientation so I’m not completely and totally lost when I arrive. I just hope that I can get used to the time change, since I will be an hour ahead at least.

Law school preparations are complicated.

It feels as though a great weight has been lifted…

Cue that wonderfully dramatic music, readers. Yesterday when I went to collect the mail I was expecting the usual amount of junk, some bills, and hopefully some information on my vacation, which is rapidly approaching. We got a magazine, my mom’s insurancestuff, and a letter from University of Louisville’s Brandeis School of Law. I literally could not breathe when I saw the address on the envelope; I wasn’t sure if it was going to be an acceptance or a rejection, thus I was one terrified creature. I ran in the house, drawin’ stares from my father as my trembling hands tore through the envelope to get to the letter. As it turns out, the letter is a letter of acceptance, and so I will be going to law school next fall. I’m not going to lie it is quite literally like a huge weight has just been lifted off my shoulders. I was so worried that I was not going to get into law school and have to wait a year; my luck is terrible and so I was afraid that if I got set back a year, something would happen and I wouldn’t get to go at all. The prospect was painful to even think about; yeah I know, that sounds over dramatic. But it’s true. I lost a lot of sleep worrying about it, and I used to have small panic attacks. It may seem crazy, but it’s been a goal for a long, long time.

So next fall I will be going to law school, either at Brandeis or UT, if I’m lucky. Brandeis was not my first choice, but Vandy is out of the question and my second choice, UT, requires a second LOR. Either way, I will be where I need to be next year. The prospect of law school is rather frightening,  mainly because it is going to be a huge challenge. If I go to Brandeis I am going to be on my own because no one I know is going there; if I go to UT, which is still in the cards, I will know at least a few people. I’m not a fan of going out of state, partly because it is so expensive, but if I have to go there, I will. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen. I will miss my Wash very much while I’m away, and I will miss my mockers and family. It is going to be a serious test of my relationships and of my ability to handle myself.  I’m excited, regardless of the other emotions.

Quote of the Day: “Enjoy your ice cream while it’s on your plate.” Thorton Wilder

Every little girl dreams…

Time for another entry, dear readers. Wash is in PCB with his family, and I miss him. He will be there until Saturday night. I am mostly occupying myself with blogging, writing on my novel, and getting plenty of excercise. My abs are actually sort of sore since I’ve been using the ”rack” our ab lounge. I guess it is the fact that all around me people are getting engaged and getting married, but lately that’s what has been on my mind. It’s also been on Wash’s mind, which makes sense because we want to eventually get married. We tend to have long conversations about an event that will be at least two or three years away from now, but I enjoy those conversations because they are a reminder that it will happen eventually, if all goes as planned. So I enjoy our conversations a lot.

Like almost every woman, I dreamed of my wedding as a little girl; though because I was such a huge tomboy, I didn’t do a lot of it. I did dream of the white dress and the music and my mother helping me plan it and my daddy walkin’ me down the aisle. I thought about an outdoor wedding, except that they are really hard to manage, and then of course you have the problem of weather and temperature. Do I really want to be outside in my white gown sweating. I’d feel pretty gross, and I wouldn’t want my dress to get ruined. I’ve seen weddings planned, been through helping plan one, and have actually been a part of the wedding party; it was not exactly the most fun I’ve ever had. But then again, as a bridesmaid I probably wore one of the ugliest dresses on the planet and the bride was a real bridezilla. I’ve promised myself that I will not be like that; I will not be evil and demanding.

Sometimes I am reminded of how real the possibility of a wedding is, not that it ever seems truly unreal. Nonsensical sentence makes no sense; I know I’m feeling really goofy today. Like last night, Wash was asking if he needed to ask Daddy for permission; I won’t make him, but I’m not sure whether Daddy will want him to or not. And then he was talking about how he hoped that when he did all the things you do to make an engagement official that it would be all I dreamed of. Wash is really amazing, and I love him very much. To be perfectly honest I never really had much thought about how he will propose, and I have no real preference as to how it is done. I suppose I would like it to be romantic and all, but other than that I don’t really have any demands. I guess I am sort of easy to please that way. After that we got to talking about the promise ring, a conversation that started with me being very helpful by informing him that I had no favorite gem stone and that I had no real preference on the ring itself, other than that it not be too fancy.

All I really want is to marry him, and the rest is just formality and ceremony. Not that I don’t want an amazing wedding, but I just don’t see the point in obsessing over it all. Maybe that will change down the road, when I am officially engaged to Wash, but for now I’m content in my small little girl dreams.

Quote of Day- Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn’t you wait for me?
Buttercup: Well… you were dead.
Westley: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Westley: There will never be a need. ~ The Princess Bride

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”

The quote in the title is Aristotle, who was right about a lot of things.

So yesterday I went to church with Wash again, this time for a fellowship luncheon type deal, and then I went to a family gathering for his grandmother’s birthday, a cook out. I had a good time, got to spend the day with the man I love. I got to meet a few more of his church friends, and I met a huge chunk of his family. I don’t really have much to say on that note, actually. I enjoyed the day and everything, but I don’t have much to blog about on it. I guess I’ll move on now.

What do I have to blog about? Well my Nanny has made a prediction, which is funny because Wash and I were talking about it last night. Actually we talk about a lot. She predicts that I will be married before I get out of law school, and it’s possible. Like I said, Wash and I have discussed it. I think that this has all gotten rolling due to the weddings happening all around us. It gets you thinking, really. The plan is to wait until at least we’re done with the first year of our continuing education, law school and grad school, though if we had our way we’d make us permanent faster, as in after he graduates from Middle. But it’s really not feasible. The quickest we can even consider it is my second year of law school. Funny thing is, I never thought I would be at this point again, and I was sure it wouldn’t be this soon. We’ve been together seven  months, and they have been incredible; I made one of the best decisions of my life when I said yes. Dear readers, Zoe has the one she wants to spend her life with, and she can’t wait for the day when she gets to start that life. I know it may sound crazy, but it’s true. Apparently its becoming obvious to out families. My Nanny is very blunt about her observations, and she isn’t afraid to inform people of them. She told my mother that prediction, and she jumped on the idea of us together when we had breakfast. Wash says from the way his family talks they’ve noticed it too. It’s not like we have made any effort to hide it.

We’ve hit a point in our relationship where there is just one line left; its hard to believe how fast things have flown, but I’m glad. The line will stay where it is for a while. Until I start wearing the right kind of ring anyway, which will be a while. We will just have to be patient, as hard as that may be, for a little while. It’s worth the wait, even if its a long and somewhat frightening. I love him very much, and I hate the idea of waiting so long; especially since the last time things got all screwed up. I get all worried and panicky, but a little while later I’m OK. I’m slowly getting over it, and eventually I won’t worry. I have faith in Wash and I; I know we can make it. Hell, we want it bad enough, and we’re willing to fight for it. That’s what really matters.

Quote of the Day: “Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” –Antoine de Saint-Exupery