I am Thankful on this Day

Yes, readers, it’s that time again. It’s the time when the European side of my ancestory celebrates the feast they had before stealing the land from the Native American, oh the PC, side of my heritage. Anyway, I promised you I’d do my annual Thanksgiving Day entry, and here it is. This year is a bit different, mainly because a familiar face who has been mentioned before will only be mentioned in passing and not in the same positive light as before, but other than that this is your typical Thanksgiving post.

I am thankful for my family, for the fact that after all that happens to us we are still together and still making it. I am so grateful for the fact that, regardless of all the fights and arguments, we are still here for each other and support each other. I’m thankful that I still have two parents who love me and a little brother who, regardless of his various irritating traits, is a relatively good kid. I’m thankful for the strength that my parents have through all the hard times. I am thankful for my surviving grandparents, who have seen and been through so much, who support me and have faith in me. I am also grateful for my good friends, who were there for me when I had lost all hope, who were there pushing me back up when I fell hard and thought I’d never get up. I’m so thankful for Brandi’s advice, for the fact that she was willing to tell me what she knew I didn’t want to hear but needed to because it was part of what helped me get through something that was really painful. I’m glad I have friends like her who were willing to not just tell me it would be ok but to tell me the hard stuff I really didn’t want to hear. I’m so thankful for the fact that I do have friends and that I do have people looking out for me, even if I don’t tell them enough how grateful I am for their support.

I’m thankful for the strength it took to get over Spoony, though I couldn’t have done it on my own. I’m thankful for the courage to move on, even though a lot of times I am terrified. I’m thankful, not that I lost him, but that I was able to get on with my life. I’m so grateful that I have been given the strength and courage to know that life goes on after love, especially after love that goes wrong. I’m thankful for the courage and strength I was given to be able to say goodbye. I’m thankful that I had other things to occupy me, like mock trial and class, and I’m thankful that those opportunities were given to me in the first place.

As hokey as this will sound, I’m thankful that I was born in America, with all the rights and priveleges that come with it. I’m thankful I wasn’t born in a lesser developed country where human rights are non-existent. I’m thankful I have the chance to be a college student and then a law student; I’m grateful that I can get a job, live on my own, and don’t need a male escort to go places and do things. I am thankful for my freedoms, for the right to vote, and for the right to speak out when I want to. Readers, at least you American readers, you have no idea how lucky you really are. We should all be thankful that we are Americans even if you don’t like the new president or hated the old one.

I’m also thankful for Wash, who has been patient when I’m snarky, tolerant when I’m bitchy, and caring when I’m down. I argue with him when he tells me I’m beautiful and special and all that, even though I do appreciate it when he does such, and I can be difficult and irritating. I know there are people who think I shouldn’t be dating him, who question me on it, and that’s ok. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I’m going to give it a shot, let the chips fall where they may. And I’m thankful for the gumption and courage to do so.

So that, dear readers, is what I am thankful for.

Quote of the Day: “Thankfulness is measured by the number of words; gratitude is measured by the nature of our actions.” -David McKay

“Gotta be Somebody”

So dear readers, this morning finds me in the BAS computer lab, on campus early because my 9:10 class is over for the semester and my International Relations class does not start until 10:20. What I should be doing is working on my Lord of the Rings paper, but instead I’m blogging because I have the senioritis like whoa. If you want to keep up with all my random updates and witty, frequently insane, and snarky tidbits you can follow me on my twitter. And yes, that’s Zoe, as in Zoe of Serenity. So, yes, I should be writing the paper I am almost half way through, yes, I should be copying my IR notes into my notebook, which I am sort of doing, and yes, I should be reading, Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. But I had an idea for a blog and so I am on here instead. Tomorrow morning I will have a post, I promise, that will be my annual Thanksgiving post, but today’s post will be something else entirely, whatever that means.

So this morning I added some music to my iPod, some of it I already had and some of it I bought. I added “Keeper of the Stars” by Tracy Byrd, which I had in my library, and then some Nickelback, including some new stuff from Dark Horse, their new album. I know a lot of people don’t like Nickelback, but some of their music I do like a lot. I really like “Gotta be Somebody” for some reason, and I think I know why now. The song hits home, hits me hard, and I feel like that sometimes. So I know you are waiting for me to get to the point, and I’m moving forward as fast as I can.

I used to feel like my somebody was a certain Yankee boy, and we all know the one I’m talking about, and if you don’t all you have to do to find out is read backwards a bit and you’ll find him and find out why things changed. I know now that he isn’t the one, my somebody, though it sometimes hurts to think about it because there was so much invested in our relationship; I mean I do cry sometimes, I won’t lie, and I do sometimes wonder how things would be different had certain things hadn’t happened. But I know that nothing is going to change, and nothing is going to make him come back. And I’m OK with that, I’ve moved on; I’ve gotten over him, for the most part, and I don’t need him any more. I’m ready to say goodbye, and I have, in my own way. I have come to realize that after all that pain and all that hurt, I am still alive. I survived, damn it, and I am stronger now. I can be angry with him now, and I am; I’m not saying that there aren’t times that I don’t miss the past, but I am saying that those times are getting fewer. I think I miss the man I thought he was and what we had more than anything, but I am better now. I have a lot of life left, and I intend spend it living, not regretting things. I don’t regret loving him, spending time with him, dreaming with him, I simply hate what happened, how it happened, the let down, the pain, and the anger. But D– is right. I can’t let that scare me into giving up. I can’t let that stop me from trying again. I can’t let what happened with Spoony stop me from letting someone else in. I can’t let it prevent me from living. It cannot destroy me and stop me from living. Even though I do get scared. “If” can’t get in my way, and I’m trying very hard not to let it happen.

I don’t know who the somebody is anymore, but I know that there is somebody out there for me. And this is where the song really makes sense. I know that I am not destined to be alone just because the last time I thought I found the one I got hurt. I know that if I have any shot at finding that somebody, I have to take the plunge again. I have to risk it again, and I can’t go around completely guarded. I have to let another potential heartbreaker in; I have to put myself in that position again. But I can go about it differently. I can be a bit more careful, though maybe that will be the wrong way to do it. Maybe that somebody is Wash, maybe it’s not, I don’t know yet. If I keep getting scared I will never know. I have to let him in, and that scares me. It’s why I am trying to take this one slower. The whirlwind I got caught up in left me stranded, like a survivor of a flood standing on the roof of a house. I have to open up again, and it’s harder than ever. “If” has chased me down and has me terrified, and I have to fight it all over again. I can win, and I’m fighting hard. So I’m slowly but surely letting Wash in; I’m taking the risk and taking the chance. I really like him, readers; call me crazy, but I do like him an awful lot. He’s a good guy, and he makes me happy. I think he’s worth the risk, worth taking the chance. Wish me luck.

Quote of the Day: “‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
‘Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There’s gotta be somebody for me like that.

‘Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they’re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There’s gotta be somebody for me out there.” Nickelback, “Gotta be Somebody”

It’s sort of funny, really, what scares me.

So I suppose you are wondering why I would find what really scares me as funny, and the thing is that maybe I don’t. It’s just interesting, I suppose. Because what really scares me, aside of huge bugs, snakes, and things like that I mean, isn’t something physical, and so facing it is difficult. I have faced it several times in my life, and I’d bet money that I will face it every day forever, which is life and that’s fine. To face it will only make me stronger, which is also a bit ironic considering the fear itself. Ok, so I can hear all you wondering what that fear is, well not really cause I’m in class right now, but metaphorically speaking anyway. I know, get to the point Lucky!

So what am I afraid of? Well what I am really afraid of is weakness, my own mostly. Remember how I talked about being strong in an entry not long enough, well my fear is that I am not strong enough, That I am actually weak. And that would mean that weakness will get me hurt. If I am not strong enough, if I cannot manage on my own, then I have to rely on someone else, and when you rely on someone else that person can let you down. It has happened to me before, and I was nearly destroyed. I will not lie to you; I am still not completely intact after the fiasco. I let myself be too weak that I depended at least somewhat on him, and when he was weak, I got hurt. I have to depend mostly on myself and a higher power, at least that’s how I feel safe. I know it sounds pessimistic and crazy, and I’m not saying that I won’t depend on anyone else, but I get a little scared when I know that I can’t do something on my own. I’ve been independent and taking care of myself for quite sometime, and it means that much to the dismay of certain individuals in my life [coughWashcough] I fight it when people try to take care of me or do something for me. In fact I just did it to Wash a moment ago when he was just looking out for me. I can’t help it; I just do it out of instinct. It also means that I run people off, not intentionally I don’t think, but still I tend to be overpowering and drive people away.

The problem is this fear affects more than me. It’s not fair to Wash or to my friends when I snap and get irritated when they are just trying to help me out. I mean I know I should just say thanks and move on, but out of instinct, maybe the need to make sure I’m not weak, I shout that I can take care of myself. It’s not that I’m actually mad when they offer, not really, it’s just that I feel the need to show my own strength. I don’t want to be seen as weak because when you are weak people run you over, people take advantage of you, and that is something I cannot afford. I know I seem crazy, and I know it probably either annoys, upsets, or in general ticks off those who are just trying to be nice to me. Sometimes about three or four hours later, I sometimes feel the need to apologize, though I don’t really want to and I know I won’t. This may sound terrible, but those feelings are really rare because I feel I have the right to fight being seen as weak. “I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself” is a constant refrain for me, and I know it grates on nerves. There are times when instead of getting irritated I should just say thank you, but I cannot manage it most of the time. I can’t manage to say it without being snarky, I should say.

I guess my problem is that I fear being weak, or being seen as weak, even though I’ve been told time and time again that I am strong. I am terrified of being taken advantage of or controled, of relying on someone who will let me down again. But I’m getting better, slowly but surely. I know that I don’t have to be Wonder Woman, that it’s ok to accept help, but it’s not easy for me to do so. We live in a world where you get hurt, where you are let down, where if you are female you must be strong, and I know this. I will improve, hopefully, otherwise life will be terribly annoying and lonely because I will run everyone off. Wish me luck  readers, because here we go again.

Quote of the Day:“Life’s like a novel, with the end ripped out.” Rascal Flatts, “Stand”

And the World Keeps Spinning

My dear readers, it is time for another update, and I do apologize for it’s lateness. I really should update more frequently since otherwise this blog is simply taking up space on the interwebs. Lately things have been pretty hectic, and I’ve been struggling while the world spirals out of control. We all know what happens when I can’t control things, I tend to freak out. So anyway, this is the long awaited update, and we’ll just do this entry stream of thought. So I warn you right now, I’m not sure how cohesive this stream actually will be.

Life, my readers, tends to go one whether or not you want it to.  And lately I’ve been wanting the world to stop spinning and let me get off. But as always I’ve made myself keep going because after all it’s important to remember that life goes on, regardless. With stress levels hitting an all time high, considering that I’m so close to graduation, I’ve been collapsing under the strain. I’m better now, slightly, and that’s why I can blog now. I am forcing myself to pause and take the time to type up an entry. I know, I know, get to the point.

Like I said, this is all stream of consciousness so when it doesn’t make sense please remember that my thoughts don’t always make sense. Besides that, Wash is on the phone and so I’m not entirely focused on the entry. Anyway, back to the point of this paragraph. Classes are beginning to wind down, with only a semester and a half to go, and that means that sooner or later I have to face the end of college and the beginning of another chapter. Law school scares the hell out of me, but I have to get through it in order to become a lawyer. I know, thank you CaptainObvious. It also means leaving a lot of good friends behind. But I suppose that can’t be helped either. However, the stress is getting to me at times. There are lots of papers, and of course the fact that I am retaking the LSAT, so every once in a while I sort of collapse. That in combination with the fact that I have a case of senioritis. And you thought that was only a high school thing. Ha, senioritis is beginning to bite me hard, and sometimes I can have three papers and a case brief to write and two novels to read and still wind up spending three hours on facebook or watching a movie. It’s actually becoming a real problem for me.

So I mentioned Wash earlier, and I bet you are wondering who this person is. Well Wash, and yes that’s Wash like Zoe’s Wash from Firefly, is the new guy, and, while certain people may not approve, I sort of like this one. Odd how he violates a few of my dating rules, like never dating my own kind, but still it hasn’t stopped me. He’s a stalker, well not really, but he is in all my polisci classes, which is how we met. He’s also a mocker, which is also something I said I’d never date, but apparantly one shouldn’t say they will never do something because they will eventually do it. I still don’t get why people congratulate him like me saying yes was some kind of accomplishment, and while we are on the subject of Wash- No I’m not the equivalent of winning the Daytona 500.  Back to the blog. He sings country songs in my ear, which is really sweet, and so cheating. But enough about Wash because I have one last thing to talk about.

Mock trial is winding down, at least for the fall, and it makes me angry that we are not doing as well as I hoped. I mean honestly, I am senior mocker, and my team shouldn’t be failing like this. We are closing in on the MTSU tournament, and it will be my last. As you can imagine I have an intense desire to make a big splash so to speak. I want to win an award and I want my team to place, but now it looks like that won’t happen. I’m really unhappy about that, but hey spring will hopefully be better.

That’s enough blogging for tonight, as I know a certain person is waiting for me to publish this.

Quote of the Day: “The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference” Elie Wiesel