The inner chick

Sometimes I start to think, and we all know that me thinking can be a bad thing, and when this happens any number of varied thoughts appear, such as the topic of today’s entry. The thought occured to me last night as I put on my make up and got all girled up for mock trial last night. I didn’t wear a skirt, but I did break out the eyeliner and mascara, and I did curl my hair. But while I was doing this I couldn’t help but ask myself a question.

Am I a chick underneath it all or is all that girly stuff just a mask to pretend what is not really there? I don’t mean that I am gender confused, because I know for certain that I am female. I mean that I am not very feminine on the outside, not really. I’m sarcastic, snarky, abrasive, blunt, and I rarely where a skirt of much make up. Putting on eyeliner and mascara is a pain in the ass, and pantyhose are the work of the devil. Typically my hair is straight and down, and having to take the 20 to 30 minutes to make it that way is a pain too. I wear my jeans and flip flops more than my heels and dress pants; my nails are painted not to be pretty, but to keep me from biting them. I wince when I break a nail not because its uneven, but because it hurts like hell when they break too far back. I’ve been known to cuss, and I’ve been known to spit. I open my own doors, and walk to my car with little fear. I don’t drive a little plastic sports car; and I love my mid size SUV. I wear blue, green, and black more than I wear pink. I wear pearls when I have to or just a pendant on a chain around my neck. I’m not girly at all.

Knowing all that, I suppose you are wonder why I would be asking that question. I must seem rather sure. But the truth is, for all I do know, I’m not so sure who I am at times. This is rather disjointed and confusing, even to me, and for that, dear readers, I apologize. Onto the point, however. I have never really been sure whether deep down I am a feminine creature, or whether it is simple something I do, being feminine, because I know I should, because I know it’s expected. I’ve always been one of the guys, the friend, the study budy, and that’s cool, but I often wonder if deep down a part of me tries to fight that. I sometimes consider whether or not when I put on eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick my inner chick is fighting to be seen. God nows I hide her fairly often.

I’m fairly certain that if you ask many people other than my boyfriend, guys especially, whether they find me attractive you will get responses that tell you most people don’t see me as female. I’m not traditional pretty, in fact I can look really bad. I’m 5′7″ tall and weigh more than I’d like to, I’ve got skin issues and hair issues that complicate matters. Lately I’ve even been a bit self conscious about the scars on my left leg, especially the one on my hip that makes it look sunken in. I’m not really a pretty girl, and that is part of why guys see me as just another friend. But I sometimes wonder if my inner chick resents that and fights out against it. I don’t try to be girly, but I have moments. There’s also my abrasive and less than lady-like personality to consider. I’m the ‘unattractive abrasive one’, I suppose, and to be honest, I like it that way for the most part. It irks me at times, like when I get shoved out of the way so that people can talk to my pretty friends, but other than that, I’m happy with who I am.

Quote of the Day: “He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.” -Gandalf to Saruman

And the race is on…

Before I begin today’s post I’d just like to say to my readers, no matter how small in number you are, that I don’t mind you copying, printing, and/or sending my posts to friends or family members as long as you leave the post exactly as I wrote it and you don’t claim it as your own. That may sound cocky or whatever, but hey I don’t want my thoughts claimed by others.

Well the time has come for yet another semester of college, and this time I can see the future up ahead. This semester and then the next one, and then, God willing, I will be on my way to law school. I am still clinging to the hope that I will do fantastic on my LSAT and get into Vand, but UT Knoxville would not be too bad either. I have one last year to make the most of my college experience, which means more football games, more parties, more relaxing, and just plain more living. With a year left, the race is on to be smarter, stronger, faster, better.The real world is looming, and it can be a scary s-o-b. Not only is there the whole law school thing, but also passing the bar, finding a job, and everything else. But I’m not going to think about that, not right now. I’m going to live in the moments.

So Mock Trial begins tommorrow night, and I’m really excited. I have a very good feeling about it. My favorite coach Brandi puts it best when she gives us our pre-tournament pep talk. She always tells us that we are in the perfect moment of a tournament; there are no ballots lost, and both a perfect record and first place finish are possible. She reminds us that our goal is to make that moment last as long as possible. That’s where we are now, at the beginning of a season when perfection is possible and there are no ballots or tournaments lost. I intend to make it last the entire season, but that’s just me. We’ll see how ti goes, but I’ve got faith in our team. Middle will be a mock trial power house once more.

Anyway, back to that whole living in the moment business. I intend to do a great deal of living. I’ll be spontaneous and relaxed; I will be a lot less evil and sarcastic, ok well maybe not considering who I am, but I will be more fun to be around I hope. I’m going to make the most of this one last year, and then carry that ‘make the most of it’ attitude with me through it all. Well at least  I’m going to try. Here’s to the next year; here’s to being alive.

This post has been sort of fragmented and pointless. Better post tomorrow, hopefully, or maybe Friday. I swear I’m becoming an addict.

Quote of the Day: “I could really use to lose my Catholic conscience
‘Cause I’m getting sick of feeling guilty all the time” – “Consequence Free”, Great Big Sea

Life used to be so simple

When did life get so complicated? When did everything stop being simple and easy? It’s so different now as we become adults, and even as we become teens; we grow up, and things change almost completely. Tensions grow, anger and hate develop, and things we believed in disappear; hope fades and dreams vanish. We stop thinking about miracles and happiness and fill our lives with stress and difficulties instead. Life used to be so simple, and sometimes, just sometimes, I would give anything to have that time back.

It was easier when the only thing you worried about catching from boys was cooties. There was a simple way to prevent cooties, I mean the regular kind, and that was the cootie shot. I know I’m really showing my ages but I remember “circle circle dot dot, now I have my cootie shot”; I’m quite positive that the cootie shot will not prevent skankcooties, but it was fairly good at keeping us safe when we were kids. It was easier when boys were gross, and kissing was something you didn’t even want to think about. Just touching boys would give you cooties and then you’d have to go through whatever the ritual was for getting rid of them. I remember those days, and while I love my boyfriend there are times when I think things would be easier if boys still had cooties, the regular kind I mean, cause some of them may have skankcooties now.

Life was simpler when cheating meant opening your eyes during hide-n-seek or changing the rules in the game of monopoly.  When we were little kids fights were about who got to be which Power Ranger or Ninja Turtle. Race meant who was fastest, and everyone was equal in our eyes. No one was better than anyone else unless they had the newest and coolest toy, but even that faded. As kids we were mostly color-blind and we all had fun together. The biggest argument was over ‘no tag-backs’ and the most drama was during the lunch trades when you tried to trade your Doritos for someone else’s Cheetohs. Those were good times, so simple and fun. The future was a millian years away back then. Now look at us.

I remember when the worst pain you felt was a skinned knee, and it could be kissed and made better. Life was so much easier when we didn’t know what betrayal and broken hearts were. We believed in magic and hope. We had faith in the world. We were invincible and strong. As little kids we lived by the rules of the playground, our domain. Now there is more to deal with, and now life is so complicated. When did it happen? When did it get so mixed up? How did it happen to us? Didn’t we swear to never grow up?

I don’t think life is any worse now than when we were kids. If anything it is richer, full of experience to teach us wisdom. But I do remember when it was all a lot simpler. I do remember a time before life got so complicated.

Quote of the Day: “When you’re a little kid you’re a bit of everything; Scientist, Philosopher, Artist. Sometimes it seems like growing up is giving these things up one at a time.” -Kevin Arnold, from the Wonder Years (1988-1993)

Parentals in my Social Network

Warning: Opinions may seem offensive to those who spy on their kids by using their blogs and social networking sites.

Ok, so I always get halfway through an entry before I blank out, and this time I’ve got a winner. Today’s entry, long coming, is about parents and social networking sites. Typical college girl thoughts and worries, though I’m not too worried about these things. I know there are others who have concerns and this post has been begging me to type it. So here goes.

Parentals, or the ‘rents as I like to call them, have noticed their kids on social networking sites like Facebook and Myspace. I know there are others, but those two are the two that entered my mind first, mainly because I have accounts on both. You can’t blame them for being curious and somewhat concerned about who their babies are talking to online. There are horror stories about kidnappings, rapes, and attacks. So I can see parents wanting to know about their children’s online habits and wanting to keep track of who they are ‘networking’ with. Safety is a big concern, and I appreciate that. However, there are some limits.

Like I said earlier, I have no problem with parents keeping up with who their kids talk to online, and I think that it is important to talk to your kids about internet safety. But I also think that spying on your kids by joining their social network site is wrong. Joining the site they use to blog in order to read said blog is wrong too. If it is set to friends only or set so the blog can only be read by users on the site, then joining the site to read their blog is essentially like reading their diary. Those entries may be posted online, but they are not posted for you to read. If your kid wanted you to read it then they would have given you the site and told you that you could read it.  That may sound stupid, but deliberately seeking out your child’s blog to spy is wrong.

Joining Facebook or Myspace to see what your kid is doing is wrong as well. If you want to know ask them; if you suspect them of lying, call their bluff. Don’t join and add their friends so that you can look at pictures and see what they are up to. It’s creepy. You shouldn’t be stalking your kids online to find out about them, you should be talking to them face to face about it. I know for certain that I would be freaked out if I found my mother had joined Myspace or Facebook and was checking up on me, not that there is much to see, but still. Honestly when I discovered that one of my family members was looking at my Myspace page I made it private for a while. It became public again when she lost interest. it’s my place on the web to talk, and therefore I want you to stop using it to spy.

I’m not saying older generations can’t be on Myspace and Facebook, especially as Facebook has become so open; I’m just saying stop being a spy. Feel free to create a profile and stuff, have fun with it, but don’t stalk your kids. Be an adult and ask them about things. Talk to your kids about what they are doing, who they talk to online, and call their bluff on their lies. If you think you son is drinking, ask him, don’t jump on Facebook or Myspace and hunt down pictures of him drinking. If you think your daughter is sneaking out, then confront her, don’t wait until the day after and check her websites to see if she talked about it and did it. If you have an interest in your son or daughter’s life and plans, talk to them, don’t read their blog. Be an adult and don’t spy.

So that’s my blog for the night. Like it or not, those were my opinions on the subject at hand. Lucky is now signing off.

Quote of the Day: “The hardest part of life
Is to live while you’re alive my friend
So sing an unwritten song
Or repent for the deeds you left undone”
-Here and Now, by Great Big Sea