A Letter to Me at several stages in my life

Currently Listening to: Letter to Me by Brad Paisley 
Currently Reading: Night Mare by Piers Anthony
Current Projects: ConLaw Term Paper, ChildLit Research Paper, Plotting Summer Adventures
Current Countdowns: 24 days until 3rd Anniversary; 26 days till finals begin

Ok before I start this post let me encourage you to read other posts in this blog. While many of my posts stand alone, those happen to be my snarky commentaries on society and the world around me. Posts about my life are less stand alone since to understand one fully is difficult if you take it out of context.

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Dear Lucky at age 16-17,

I know this may be strange but hey, it’s you at 20. In case you don’t believe me, look in your bag. There will be a black and white composition book called the Rant Book, which holds all your hurt and angry thoughts, and you have a thing for a guy people call Spoony. Yeah only you and I would know that at this point. So listen up, cause this might help you through a lot.

I know things seem a little dark, and you feel lost. That damn Rant Book is full of tear-stained and ink covered pages, and you think that things will never get better, but babe, just have a little faith. That guy you crush on so badly… he’s going to fall in love with you, just give it time. You won’t have to stress about prom, he’ll take you. Papa may have died, but he’s still in your heart. His death will give you a driving force that will propel you forward with the hopes of punishing doctors who screw up people’s lives because they don’t pay attention. Take a deep breath and calm down, don’t do anything crazy. Stop hitting the wall and look around. You have to carry on and be strong. It will be better if you do. Also things are going to be rough for awhile. Pa is gone and Nanny needs you, and you won’t be able to count on your cousin anymore. She’s not what you thought. There will be a lot of tears and anger, but you’ll get by, and it will make you stronger. And when Spoony leaves you confused, just be patient. He’ll be back and he will clear it all up, I promise. And remember, you are beautiful, no matter what they say or what you look like. You may feel ugly and fat, but you have to believe that you are beautiful because if you don’t then no one else will. Love yourself. Don’t think about starving yourself to be pretty, it’s not going to make you happy.

Trust me, I know. LUCKY

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Dear Lucky at 18-19,

Never thought you’d make it this far did you? Well you have, and you are a very strong and brave girl for making it. I know you’re going through some scary things right now, like Wallis-san’s death and doubts about your relationship and fear about law school. It’s all going to be ok. There’s this place, you’ll find it when you least expect it, called DLS, and you won’t believe it will change your life. But it will save you because the people there are amazing and they care. You’ll finally see that you aren’t alone, and you don’t have to be scared. There are a lot of cool friends you’ll meet who share your feelings and secrets.

You and Spoony will make it, in fact things will be a lot better, just be patient, I know it’s hard, but be calm and breathe. He’s going to come home, and he’ll visit twice before that, and it will be amazing. He loves you, and he’ll be there when you least expect it. But don’t get so complacent because it will not be a cake walk all the time. Keep posting in DLS and talking, don’t bottle it all up and explode. And for heaven’s sake talk to him, he deserves to know what’s going on.

Oh and by the way… when you go to the beach with J, try to enjoy it. It won’t be the best thing in the world, but it will be time away from home and sort of relaxing. And don’t spend your whole vacation stressing over that stupid picture, it’s nothing. And don’t worry about your body in that swim suit… it’s not that big of a deal. I know you want to be thinner and fitter, but stress only makes you fatter. Wear a bit more sunscreen, especially on your face. Don’t underestimate the sun or overestimate your skin’s tolerance.

Stop stressing about your body and your weight. It’s going to work out and you’ll feel better. It will not be easy, but if you calm down maybe you’ll come up with some kind of strategy for getting rid of those pounds. Look in the mirror and see the real you, the beautiful young woman behind the stress. Get some sleep for a change. Just because you are in college doesn’t mean sleep is not a necessity. Eat better and do try not to get readdicted to caffiene. Take the long way home from mock the day the teams are reformed… cause if you don’t you’ll roll the blazer and you’ll be without a car. Study for those exams and pay more attention in that Political Status of Women class, that professor is more of a bitch than you thought.

Don’t forget to live, trust me I know this stuff. LUCKY

Life goes on

I know, I know, two entries in one day. Well the first one wasn’t a personal entry, and I feel like doing one of those as well as one of my lovely, snarky entries that happens to comment on an issue that I find important or annoying. So I shall now do an update on what’s going on in my life. See previous entry for the usual, currently section.

First on the agenda is something that I did a few weeks ago but forgot to blog about, even though it’s like a major deal for me considering. I left mock trial for the year, though I’m hoping to go back in the fall. You see my team, B Team, was really kick ass, but we got screwed out of nationals because one of my fellow attorneys screwed up pretty bad and cost us some ballots that should’ve been ours. A team that wasn’t that great went instead of us because of it. Well that meant that A Team was the only team going to Silvers, and now they are going to Gold. Any way back to the point. I was offered an attorney spot on that team, along with a newbie. I was really insulted because I was basically competing for a spot that should’ve been mine with a newbie who’d been doing mock for less that a semester. I went to the auditions, but things went wrong from there. I had no idea that I was supposed to be doing a defense opening or that I was also going to be doing a direct and cross as an audition. I don’t know whether I was supposed to know what to be ready to perform or not, but I was never told what was going on. I was caught completely off guard and I felt like I let people down. Something also told me that I didn’t belong there, that I was an outsider. I felt as though I wasn’t really wanted anyway. I guess I got the feeling that someone else was preferred, and if I’m wrong, then I’m wrong. The newbie was totally prepared for things, and I have a feeling he knew stuff I didn’t. Not cool on so many levels.

Next up is a relationship issue. Those of you who read this on a regular basis know that Spoony and I have been forced to fight a lot of obstacles just to be together. Our good friends, including the wonderful DLSers, have been there for us through a lot of things that were very hard. They’ve seen my break downs, my tears, our frustration, and our pain, but they’ve also seen a lot of good happening. As you know when this whole thing got started we were in high school and we went to my prom, then he moved to AZ and I spent a year in confusion. 1500 miles separated us, and though he visited after a year and told me he loved me, it was never easy. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, when I started this fight, and it hasn’t gotten much easier since his return. Yeah, he’s moved back, as I’ve mentioned earlier. We’ve fought distance, doubters, illness, work, and class just to be together. And now we are fighting family issues. His mum has become a little weird about us being together, always coming up with something to keep us apart. I didn’t meet his friend from AZ because she thought it would be rude for him to see me while Eric was here. My mum is really weird about letting me stay out; I’m 20 but sometimes she acts as though I’m 16. But she’s getting better about it and I even sold her on the idea of us living together. Things keep coming up and getting in the way of us being together and lately it’s starting to feel as though things are never going to get easier. It feels like we are always going to have to fight everything, and fight hard, to be together.

Dad’s started driving again, as in drag racing. He’s got his number and license again, which is cool. I’m glad his racing and stuff is coming back. He’s been sort of off since he hasn’t been able to do what he loves. I’m still without a car because in case I haven’t mentioned it, I wrecked mine last November. College is getting messy again. Three huge papers due right on top of each other equals major uncool points. That’s about it, especially since I’ve got to go to class. More later, probably, hopefully not today, cause I’m becoming a blogging addict.

Let’s talk about one of ‘those subjects’… sex ed.

Currently Listening to: “Don’t Let Me Die Still Wondering” by Flogging Molly

Currently Reading: Night Mare Piers Anthony

Current Project:Constitutional Law term paper, ChildLit Research Paper, Plotting Summer Adventures

Countdowns: 35 days until 3rd anniversary with Spoony and 37 days until Finals

Ok, so this post will probably piss some very prudish and conservative people off. There maybe some parents who will be very angry that I would post a topic like this, but I’ve been thinking about this issue for a while and I’d like to deal with it. Sex education in schools sucks because its normally a bunch of ‘abstinence only’ rhetoric, with a light touch on ’safe sex’ and using protection. And kids don’t get enough information from parents other than ‘teens shouldn’t have sex’ rhetoric. Now you may be angrily thinking, what does she know, she’s not a parent; she’s never had to have the ‘talk’ with her own kids. Well the thing is, at age 20 and with recent high school and teenage experience, I think that I’m pretty well qualified to talk about sex ed in high school and at home.

What brings this on you ask. Well for the 80th time I’ve seen that commercial where kids are telling their parents to talk to them about sex and about waiting to have sex. Every time I see them I think to myself: “Where is the commercial that says ‘tell me about safety’ or ‘tell me about being careful and using protection’?” Honestly, it annoys me because the kids talk about how they know parents think of them as little kids and that they are too young, which is true, but they also talk about how they want their parents to “Tell me about the happiness you want for me. Tell me you want me to wait.” So let me get this straight. As long as kids abstain, they will be happy? People who have sex before marriage are unhappy? Waiting=happiness? Do these people honestly think that if all you tell teens is to abstain that they will remain chaste?

I’m sorry but they are very wrong. Abstinence only sex education is dangerous. Teens have sex because humans have sex. It’s in our natures, and it’s all about hormones and attraction. Real, informative, clear sex education will not cause teens to have more sex. They are doing it whether you teach them about safety and protection or whether all you tell them is that sex before marriage is bad. Teaching teens about condoms will not make them go out into the bushes and go at it like rabbits. It will not cause kids to automatically decide to try sex. Peer pressure and hormones will do that for them. Teaching kids that sex before marriage is bad, and teaching it exclusively, will not instantly make teens stop having sex. It will have teens sneaking around so their parents don’t find out, thought they do that already, and not using protection because they think it doesn’t work. Teen pregnancy and the spread of HIV and other STDS, increases if teens don’t know about protection. The worst thing that happens in some sex education classes that focus on abstinence alone is that teens are taught condoms don’t really protect you, that using them is like playing Russian Roulette. This causes teens not to use condoms because they are convinced they don’t work.

Then there is the fact that many parents can’t bring themselves to really have that talk with their teens. At most they tell their teens to wait until marriage, let their teen know that they will answer any questions or be there to talk if they need them, then pray they don’t. Teens know their parents are not comfortable with the subject, and so they gather knowledge from other less reliable sources, like their friends. My mother has never once that I can remember talked to me about sex, and she can’t bear to think that I might be sexually active. I’m 20 years old, almost 21, by the time she was my age she had already had me. She did tell me once that if I had questions or needed to talk I could come to her, but she never said what about, leaving me to assume she meant sex. I know that she feels I should wait till marriage, and she is assuming, unless she suspects otherwise, that Spoony and I are waiting.

I definitely come from the ‘new school’ especially when it comes to relationships. I don’t believe that couples should necessarily wait until they are married before they have sex or move in together. Honestly, I think that you should be sure of a lot of things before you take those steps in your relationships, but you don’t always have to wait until you are married to be intimate. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that teens should go out and have sex all the time, and I’m not a proponent of random sex with strangers all the time. But I do think that teens should be taught that if they are going to have sex they should use protection. If you are in love and feel you are ready, by all means experience the intimacy. It is amazing. But I do suggest that you be aware of the emotional consequences and the physical consequences that come with it. It’s not just a physical thing that happens and then it’s over.

In closing here is a brief summary: Abstinence only sex education is not the best idea. Teaching teens about protection is smart. Abstinence and waiting till marriage does not always equal happiness. Be prepared to accept the consequences of having sex.

Mysteriously making pretty

Currently Listening to: “Dirty Little Secret” by All-American Rejects

Currently Reading: Night Mare Piers Anthony

Current Project: Constitutional Law term paper

Countdowns: 37 days until 3rd anniversary with Spoony and 39 days until Finals

Ok, as you might’ve noticed today is St. Patrick’s Day. Hurrah for the Wearin’ o’ the Green and what not. True to her Irish roots, your lovely redhead, Lucky is dressed in green, right down to wearing Spoony’s hideous green hat, which he gave to her upon his return. But that’s not the topic of the day. The topic of the day is why women tend to hide their process of ‘making pretty’ from out male counterparts.

Several of my guy friends, and Spoony as well, have asked the same question. Why do you hide in the bathroom to ‘make yourself pretty’ especially since we’ve seen you in your pjs or without clothes and make up in general? Well not all women do this, but many of us do, and this blog is to answer that question. The answer at first seems quite simple. Because we want to keep it a mystery. But then you ask why we want to keep our process a mystery. I mean you have seen us at out worst.

Well the thing is, as women we find ourselves in the position to seduce and attract men, and we do that at least partially with our looks. We don’t want men to know how we do it. After all, part of our allure is that mysterious femininity that we all possess, even if we don’t show it. We like that mystery, even the least feminine of us because deep down inside of each of us is this force that comes from Mother Earth herself. You see we each harness the divine female within us and use her to our advantage. We know that we wouldn’t be half as attractive if men knew all our secrets and understood all our mysteries. So we don’t want you to see how we turn our just woke up natural beauty into the show stopping appearance we take on when we leave the bathroom. This is not to say that we women don’t feel pretty naturally, but a little make up can sometimes make us feel totally brand new.

There’s also the fact that we don’t want people to know just how much work it takes to be pretty, especially on a bad day. We do have days when our skin is uncooperative and our hair is the devil; we have mornings, especially we younger ladies, when we wake up to discover the horror of a blemish. We like to pretend that we don’t have those days, and so we hide the process of ‘making pretty’, in which we cover those blemishes and hair issues, so you will, we hope, think that we don’t have the flaw to begin with. It’s a female insecurity we sometimes experience. Now this isn’t to say that we are lying to you because we aren’t. We know that you know we aren’t perfect all the time, but we’d like to believe otherwise sometimes. It’s all part of the quest for perfection.

Now, again, I’d like to say that this is not all women, though most of us have moments like this, and some women may deny ever having this thought. But the truth is we do have our reasons for doing the things we do, and this is my theory on one of those actions and one of those reasons.

Can you hear anything besides my accent, darlin’?

Currently Listening to: “Drunken Lullabies” and “Seven Deadly Sins“ by Flogging Molly

Currently Reading: Night Mare Piers Anthony

Current Project: Constitutional Law term paper

Countdowns: 44 days until 3rd anniversary with Spoony and 46 days until Finals

I’m hoping to get better at updating more frenquently, since I’ve noticed I’ve been less than dedicated to the blogging lately. I mean honestly, whats the point in having a blog if you aren’t going to update. So the topic of the day is my accent and first impressions in general. I always wonder what the first thing people think of is when they meet me. Those of you who read my humble blog know from previous posts that I’m a very southern woman with a strong accent, and I’m sure someone somewhere has tried to imagine what I actually sound like. Sometimes it comes out very strong and makes people stare, and sometimes I can control it and make it less noticeable. However, no matter what I do it will always be a part of me and who I am, and I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world.

The problem is that my accent often causes trouble when people make assumptions upon hearing it. I fear that many people only hear my accent and do not hear anything else and thus assume that I’m some dumb hick from the south and that there is no way that I could be intelligent. I have experienced this very problem over and over again, and it wears a person a bit thin. In high school english teachers assumed I couldn’t write properly because I speak with  a drawl and a twang and therefore must write in the same manner. Most other teachers assumed that I had a bias in history and an inability to succeed in advanced courses due to my southern heritage. I however was a very bright and advanced honors and AP student and managed to make high marks in all my classes. It should be noted that I have an above average IQ regardless of my southern accent.

The accent issue has even followed me into college, with English professors not wanting to believe that I had much intelligence due to my accent and always wondering how I managed to gain AP credits in high school so that I didn’t have to take freshman english here in college. Political Science professors assume that I have very backwards, overly conservative political views because I come from a small town in the South. And because I am a female pre-law student the accent adds to the fact that many of my professors don’t think I have what it takes to be a lawyer in the end. I know that they are full of shit but I don’t care, it’s still really annoying. Honestly since when has an accent dictated anything in the real world?

I’d almost bet that someone was surprised to find that I was currently listening to Flogging Molly since that’s not what you’d expect to see a southern woman like me listening to. I guess many expect some sort of country music or something, and don’t get me wrong I do love country music, but I also like techno, a bit of pop, Irish rock/punk, classic rock, and alternative music, so don’t stereotype my music due to the accent. If you picked up my beloved iPod you’d find it full of a rather interesting mix of music. And while we’re on the subject, no I don’t run around barefoot all the time, though I do hate shoes unless they complete my outfit. No I don’t drive a tractor to class every day, though the first stick shift I drove was an old red Massey Furgeson. No I don’t hate people due to the of their skin, I firmly believe that no one deserves special treatment because of race, religion, gender, or anything. No I’m not going to marry my cousin, Spoony is a Yankee and a city boy, thank you very much. So that last bit was a bit tongue-in-cheek to poke fun at all the stupid stereotypes.

 I hope that my blog reaches someone out there and opens their eyes. Or maybe it reaches someone going through the same things and they know they aren’t alone. Peace, love, hope, faith, and whatever good stuff you can think of.
LUCKY