I know…

This is a monologue pulled from a story I’m writing. Told from a female perspective, the character is Pax.

You want to know what I know. I know that the moment you open your heart and start letting it feel things pain comes. I know that when you let yourself feel you are letting yourself get hurt. I don’t like that pain, and I choose not to feel it. I know what pain feels like and what loss and heartbreak feel like. I don’t like those feelings. What idiot does? So don’t tell me I don’t know what I’m missing. I’m missing hurt, loss, heartbreak, pain, playing the fool. I’m missing the kinds of things no one in their right mind should have to feel. I will never have to cry over someone who leaves me. I’ve done it before; when Darian died. I cried for him, and I swore I’d never cry like that again. I’ll never have to feel the emptiness left behind by someone leaving because… because… because I’ll always have the emptiness of being without someone. I’ll be alone, and no one can hurt me. I’ll be safe, but no one be there to share that safety. I’ll be happy, maybe, and I won’t cry tears of loss. They’ll be tears of emptiness and loneliness. Oh elders… what have I done? What have I become? I have to go now… I can’t stand here anymore.

Twenty or so minutes later in a small tent outside the walls of Castle Mithin.

I get it now… I understand, Kenneth. I was standing there in the castle, discussing this with one of the healers, my aunt sort of, and I came to the sudden realization that I love you. I know now what I’m missing. I know now what I need. I’ve been through the Shades Forest, where Darian’s spirit resides; I know that he is gone now. I have felt loss, and I have felt emptiness. The void I could not fill I now know can be filled. That emptiness he left has been filled. You fill it. I just couldn’t accept it. I could not let you take his place. But I know that you would not be taking his place; it would be a new love, a new chapter. I can still love him and love you. I know that now. I know that I love you.

Photographs and memories

I firmly believe that when you take a picture and capture a moment on film, you stop time, and that moment never ends. That is why I like to take and keep photographs; it is my way of preserving things so that I don’t lose them.I know the pictures in this entry are of flowers but it was the best I had, and they are really pretty. But they do make my point as well. These two flowers are in bloom and were in bloom yesterday. But soon they will fade away and the blooms will be gone. But these pictures will stay the same. The blooms are there forever.

I know it may seem crazy, but here is my reasoning. In a photo subjects are in a position permanently. They don’t move; they don’t change or disappear. So it holds the memory forever in place. That means that though in the outside world, time keeps going and wipes things away; in pictures they last forever and do not change at all. Isn’t it possible that we possess the power to stop time and prevent it from destroying things as it passes? I argue that a good photographer possesses the power to save a moment forever.

Sometimes he scares me…

Not in a bad way, though, just in… well it’s hard to describe.

Lucky lives in the ‘Boro in TN, and she feels she belongs there, in the south. The thing is this: Spoony talks a lot about relocating and moving to Ireland or somewhere in the US above the Mason Dixon Line. How does this scare Lucky? Well it’s not just him he’s relocating. He wants to move me too; he wants to take me with him. And it scares me because I think I would go. If he really asked me, I might go. And that scares the hell out of me. I’m afraid that I’ll do something crazy like just pack up and leave. Or maybe I scare myself because for once I’m allowing my heart to dictate my actions more than my mind. Its a good fear, the kind that opens you up to everything and lets you feel and experience. I don’t know exactly what scares me or why, but I do know that I have to get over it. Life was so much simpler and safer when guys were not on my top five things to worry about list, except for the cooties of course. But that is a post for another day and another thought. I was talking to J about it last night, and she wasn’t much help. She said that if I love him then I should go with him. I’m not sure if its that simple. Or maybe it is and I’m just blowing things out of proportion. I don’t know right now. But maybe I don’t need to.

I’m begining to taste what I’m made of…

and it doesn’t taste like sugar and spice.

So I have more exam and then I’m free for the summer. Government isn’t something that really worries me much. I’ve breezed through the class really and it’s going to be a B at least. I turned in my Terrorism paper this morning and dropped off my application to work on campus this summer at the library. The problem is that because I didn’t have a car all through high school and had no time to work for the last two semesters, I have no work experience and I’m worried that I won’t get the job. But I desperately need the money to survive the summer. Another thing I planned to do was get my upper division form signed so that I could declare my minor and take the one class that is required. But of course. No one was there to sign the damn thing so I have to pray that they are there in the morning after Patterson’s exam.

OK so I went to sell my books back and I got a measly $7.25 for the books I paid about $275 for. Turns out that only three of my books were being readopted for next semester. So now I have a government textbook, a geology textbook, a copy of All the King’s Men, a copy of Delta Wedding, and a copy of Dust Tracks on a Road. All books I probably won’t read again. I know some people in my Souther Lit. class who are going to be more pissed off than I am cause they hated Delta Wedding.

And then there’s my stupidity last night on the phone with Spoony. No details just that I was a total idiot last night.