Blogging about my boy

I’m so angry with him; I mean I really am mad at him for not emailing or calling or contacting me in some way. How is our relationship supposed to work if he doesn’t try? It’s killing me this not talking to him ever. I mean the last time I heard anything from him was right after Wallis-san died, and I tracked him down to let him know. He hasn’t emailed me since then. I don’t know if I can take much more of this.

And yet… I can’t stay angry, or maybe it is that no matter how mad I am I love him and I’m willing to forgive him. I don’t know what it is but it hurts like hell. I don’t know what to do about it… All I can do is email him and he isn’t answering me. I’m scared and confused and worried. I’m afraid that when I actually tracked him down to call him about Wallis-san it freaked him out. I’m afraid that I lost him, and I can’t take that.

He’s not just another guy. I love him. I… I… I need him. He completes me. I love him. It’s not just that high school “I love you; I love you too” kind of thing. It’s more than that. Without him I feel like I’m not complete, like something is missing. I can’t just say the hell with it because there’s no one in the world like him. No one who makes me feel the way I feel about him. I don’t think that there’s anyone who can take my hand and make the world go away, who can kiss me and make me invincible and safe, who can hold me in his arms and make everything better.

I’m falling apart at the seams, and I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid that I screwed up. I’m afraid I lost him. I did the freaky girlfriend thing and tracked down his phone number to call him. If he wanted me to know that number he would’ve given it to me. But I had no choice I had to talk to him. We’d just lost good friend, and I had to let him know. I was afraid that he wouldn’t find out because he wouldn’t check his email so I did something very drastic. And now I’m scared that I lost him, that I totally freaked him out. Cause he hasn’t emailed me or anything since he sent the one saying he couldn’t come for the funeral.

But then I think maybe there’s a good reason that doesn’t mean I lost him. Maybe he just doesn’t have internet for the same reason he can’t call me. Maybe he’s just very busy with classes and work and everything. And I keep praying that these could be the reasons. I don’t want to lose him. I love him. I can’t lose him. I belong to him, as ridiculous as that may sound.

The worst news…

You think it can’t happen to you or your friends. You think that never in a million years could something like this happen.

So did I. I still can’t believe it and don’t understand. The phone rang at about 11 o’clock at night saturday and my mom woke me up to tell me that there was something wrong, that someone I knew had died. I jumped out of the bed and ran to answer the phone and it’s C-lyn, who tells me that D— needed to talk to me. That’s when the most unbelieveable and frightening news comes. He tells me that Wallis-san died friday; he killed himself. Our phone had been messed up all day and I wasn’t home, and they had been trying to get a hold of me all day to let me know. So tommorow I’m going to a funeral for a friend. I’m nineteen years old and I’m going to a friend’s funeral because he killed himself.

I instinctively called J to let her know and emailed Spoony{lack of cellphone}. And then tried to get some sleep, which I failed to do. So last night, out of fear that Spoony would not check his email in time, I sat down and began to track a number down to call him . After an hour or so I managed to find one and get a hold of him. He’s going to try to come down, but he’s not sure he can get off work or rearrange his schedule.

I talked to D— tonight and he said that from what we knoe it seems that Wallis-san was depressed, something he kept hidden from all of us pretty well. He was a perfectionist and apparantly not doing so well in classes. What really bothers me is that he had all of us that he could call and talk to, knew that we would go otu of our way to help him and listen, and yet he didn’t think we could help. So friday morning he shot himself, and D— thinks that maybe he didn’t want us to worry so he didn’t give any clues.

This has become the ultimate test of our friendship’s strength, and come what may we must be strong and hold each other up. We must stick together and be there for each other. I have managed not to break down yet, though I have had brief moments where I thought I would fall apart right then and there, but I know that I have to get by. And I worry about Spoony who, if he can work his schedule out, be driving all night to be here tommorow.