So it hurts like hell

This entry will definately not be giving anyone the warm and fuzzies, and that’s fine by me.

I’m such a liar. I put on a brave face and don’t cry. I lie and say I’m ok, though inside I’m dying. I smile and pretend that everything is alright, that I’m not falling apart. But it’s all a lie, an absolute lie, and eventually I won’t be able cover any more. I run and hide from people and find a place to hide where no one can see me crying. I don’t want anyone to worry about me, especially not Spoony. It would kill me if he thought that he was the cause of any of this. Because I know that he wouldn’t intentionally hurt me.

It’s just that in a roundabout way it does relate to him. I’m going crazy because he’s not here. Because everyone asks me have I talked to him lately or what’s going on with us. And the sad thing is we haven’t talked, and nothing is happening. He has no phone at the moment, and he’s in effing VA so we can’t do anything. I’m going nuts because people are asking questions and doubting, and it pisses me off. Just because they don’t like it, can’t understand it, or think it’s stupid, they don’t have the right to constantly question and doubt us. They forget that I love him and I would give that up for the world.

It hurts like hell to want to tell him I love him, and put my arms around him and kiss him and I can’t. I see people walking hand in hand on campus, and I have to bite my lip. I want that. When Kenny lived here we weren’t a couple but I could hug him and kiss him {Can’t explain don’t ask} and be with him. But now that we are a couple we never see each other, can’t talk to each other. It’s not fair, and it really sucks, a lot.

It’s really frightening…

to look back and realize that you allowed four years to go by and very little good came out of it. Yes this is going to be one of Lucky’s slightly depressing and unhappy posts. But I never promised sunshine and daisies here.

Anyway I was looking back at the four years I spent in high school and came to the sudden and unpleasant realization that I may have wasted four years of my life by letting them fly by and not taking any action. I mean I think the one good thing that came out of that year is now living in VA. Don’t get me wrong, J is a good friend and everything, but she’s not a close one. We rarely talk, and I think we may be on two vastly different ends on the spectrum. Just too different to ever be close. The one person I counted as my best friend on the planet got married and had I not checked myspace, I’d never have known about it. And I didn’t even go to the wedding, cause I wasn’t invited or anything. I thought we were close, almost sisters. But then again maybe we are like J and me, two people of vastly different ends of the spectrum. Too different to be close.

But that has always been my problem. Too different to be close with anyone. I guess Lucky is a strange and difficult person to be friends with. I’m not a hard drinker/partier, but I’m not a foot washer church person either. I rest in the middle ground everywhere I go. I’m younger than the Mockers, and most of them like to discuss politics and mine are way far from theirs. I’m an odd ball, yes I dare use that term, and always have been. I just don’t fit in, and I never have. But then again I never really tried.

And that’s what’s so scary I guess. That I didn’t try and so I let four years fly past me and did nothing. I have few great memories and fewer great friends. I have too many regrets. I dread reunions because I will have nothing to say and those who will speak of me will not remember good things. Those who remember things about me will be those who made fun of me, who left me out, who didn’t like me.