It’s with a heavy heart …

that I watch him walk away again.

OK so Spoony shows up today because he’s moving to VA and passing through here on his way through. And I tried to smile and tell him how happy I am to see him, but I know he’s leaving in the morning and I won’t see him again for a while. It takes all the strength I’ve got just to keep from crying. I must seem like the biggest wimp in the world but sometimes I have to just get by the best I can, and run to hide before he sees the tears. I love him so much it’s not funny, and it’s so hard to watch him go. Part of me wants to scream for him to come back, just to stay with me, and part of me, the smart part I guess, knows better. I want to tell him everything at once. How much I miss him, how much it hurts to see him go, how much I wish I could just hold onto him and not let him go. But that would be crazy. I would never bombard him with all that at once. I’ve learned over the past six months that in order for this to work I’m going to have to be very strong and have a lot of faith.

I was happy to see him, thrilled really, but it didn’t show the way I wanted it to. Instead I was sad, and once again thinking too far ahead and not living in the moment, I kept seeing him leaving. I wish I weren’t like that, I really do. Because I’m going to miss so much if I don’t. And I don’t want to miss anything anymore. I want to be able to say that I lived life to the fullest, no matter what that means. I want to enjoy the time I get to spend with him, instead of thinking about what will happen next. I want to be the person that I should be.

And I have not forgotten

So I know that no one is going to want to read this cause it’s my official 9/11 blog entry and it won’t be a positive or happy entry. But here goes anyway.

I remember it all so clearly, its one of those things that never blurs out of focus. I don’t I’ll ever get that image of planes crashing, buildings falling, and fire out of my head. I was a freshman in high school and that morning we were taking the final test on The Giver. A teacher came hurrying in and began talking to my English teacher, and finally my English teacher asked the class if it was alright to turn of the TV. She turned it on just in time to see the second plane hit. I remember thinking that it was impossible, that no one would dare attack the US on our turf. We were America, Land of the Free, we were invincible and impenetrable. I was so scared, and so freaked out. I spent the whole day trying to wake up from the nightmare and shaking. People all around me were leaving school to be with family, and there were tears and pale fear stricken faces. I kept thinking that maybe if I close my eyes and open them again it will go away. That it would never have happened.

This morning I woke up, put my clothes on and ate some breakfast, just like I do everyday. I brushed my teeth, pulled my hair up, and made sure my little brother was ready for school before getting in my Blazer to head out to face a new day. I turned on my radio and sang along to “Have You Forgotten” as I dropped J.C. off at Siegel Middle and dropped a letter off for my dad. And then as I headed towards campus I took a deep breath and sighed. I silenced my radio and held a private moment of silence for those lost, those fighting, the ones left to carry on. All the heroes of that day and forward.

As I climbed out of my blazer, and I pulled out my things, I paused. The wind blew across the parking lot, and I bowed my head in prayer. I know I don’t do it enough, but I try especially on days like today. I remembered 9/11 and those who died in New York, D.C., and in that Pennsylvania field. Sometimes I think that people forget. Maybe because it’s too painful, and too ugly to remember. Maybe they hope that if they forget it will go away. But I know better. And I have not forgotten.