I think I may be crazy

OK so maybe it goes a bit beyond thinking that I’m crazy. I’m almost positive that I am crazy. Which may or may not be a good thing. Classes have begun, and they aren’t too bad. I’ll be nineteen in a little over a week and my boyfriend is finally moving closer. But am I crazy to put myself through all the worry and the insanity? That is the is the real question here now isn’t it? And if I am is it a good thing?

I’m not sure any more. I know that I’m managing to survive, which is good, and I know that doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger. So maybe this is all to make me a stronger and better person. Only time will tell I guess.

Life just doesn’t make since at times, that’s all. I mean sometimes I don’t get it at all.

Changes…

Sitting here with the iPod in my ears and the music playing I get to thinking and that’s not always a good thing. I know that everything is just going to get more complicated and crazier everyday. And part of me is excited and can’t wait because for once I’m confident and strong, but part of me is scared because it means that nothing will ever be the same. Our circle of friends has changed and rearranged a lot since we all parted ways. Jon, D, and I graduated, leaving three empty seats at the table. Then Kansas left us by breaking up quite nastily with C-lyn. Spoony moved away. D went off to Korea and then broke up with D— So our circle was broken and put back together with pieces missing. And suddenly we were really all mixed up. And then things decided to change again. Spoony came back to visit, and we got together and began the crazy long distance relationship. But fate wasn’t done with our circle yet. D— and C-lyn became a couple next and the changes stopped.

But I know more changes will happen, and honestly that scares the crap out of me. Maybe it’s because I don’t know when or how they will happen, and I don’t think I’ll be ready. I know that everything changes. People change, life keeps going, and you can’t stop it from happening. Sometimes I get so scared that I don’t know where I’m going or where things are headed. Nothing stays the way it is, and it freaks me out. I’ve learned that people change, and life changes, but that doesn’t make me any less scared.

Spoony is moving closer, and I’m thrilled. But I also know that things are just going to get more complicated because we will be so much closer. I love him; I’ll never be able to change that, and I don’t want to. But it’s scary because sometimes I do such crazy things, and I don’t think as much. I feel more. But I still can’t help but wonder where this is all going. I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes I think about things like that. I actually say I love you, and I don’t ever say it if I don’t mean it. I haven’t said I love you to someone outside family in so long. I’m scared.

Remembering…

I’ll never forget the first time I met him. We had history class together, and he sat next to me. For the first time I felt dumb but wasn’t terribly upset about it. I thought it was going to be a boring year, but I, as can be expected, was very much wrong. I thought that there could be no way that I would enjoy sitting next to a guy who seemed to be smarter than me, and excessively so. But then I got a second look from a different perspective. I discovered that he made me smile and laugh, even when I was crying, and that he made me let go of my calm, collected, reserved side and actually enjoy life.

I remember our first kiss like it was yesterday. We were out on the dance floor at Prom and I finally kissed him. Back at One was playing, and we were dancing yet another slow dance. I’d been trying to kiss him all night, but it just wasn’t working. At one point he made a face, right as I was moving in for the kiss, but for the most part I would lose my nerve. But what sticks out the most id what he said to me. He looked me in the eyes and said “You’ve been waiting a long time to do that, haven’t you?” I just nodded and smiled, and he kissed me back.

Ok that’s it from the memory vault for now. Good night all.

Life’s like that

Well my faithful readers it’s time for an update. Now that I’ve settled down with my glass of tea, I suppose that I can fill you in since that last post was less than informative.

Life has been filled with its various ups and downs. I suppose I might as well start with just before I left for Florida at the end of June. Depressingly enough while my boyfriend, Spoony, was in Ireland and traveling all over Europe, I decided to play around on Myspace and discovered a picture that royally freaked me out. And I couldn’t get a hold of him to talk to him. So I spent several hours talking to J. Eventually I decided to put it aside because I didn’t want to spend my week in Panama City Beach freaked out and worried. I had a great time at the beach, got a bit sunburned, sort of felt like second fiddle to J (though I won’t tell her that), worried about things a bit, and got a henna tattoo. When I got back my mom freaked out about the henna, but no one else did.

Absolutely nothing happened for a couple weeks; I mean it was absolutely boring and drab. I’m actually looking forward to class starting. Then of course came the greatest news in the world. Spoony returned from Europe and sent me a message. Turns out that the day after he got back his mom had a stroke (definately not the good news), but she is alright now. The good news is that his family wants them to move to Virginia where they live so that she is closer in case she has another stroke, which I really hope doesn’t happen. So he’s going to be ten hours away as opposed to twenty four hours away. Score one for making our relationship easier. But it’s not about easy is it? No it’s about love and willingness to work hard and trust each other. But anyway I return to my regularly scheduled life update.

In other news it seems that my circle of friends is to remain close together for a while more. C-lyn is going to a tech school not far from here and staying here, though her parents are headed to Florida in October. D— and Wallis-san and I are all going to be attending the same college, with me in my sophomore year and them in their freshman year. I’m super thrilled that we will be together still. They all want to get together soon, but I’m not sure that I want to hang out with the latest lovey dovey, touchy feely couple D—and C-lyn without Spoony. It’s just that I get kind of down when I have to be around that sort of thing all by myself.

But that’s it so far. Classes are set to beging August 28th, which I’m sort of looking forward to, and mock trial promises to be a new challenge and a lot more fun since I have some experience under my belt so to speak. It’s a civil case this go around. My right wrist is acting up again. It’s never been right since I broke it the summer before sixth grade; I’m almost positive that it didn’t set and heal properly. It’s really sore, and Dad thinks it may be swollen inside. I think I may have jerked it wrong when I was pulling the cord to the lawnmower sunday night. It was clogged, and I didn’t realize it until I had pulled the cord.