Random thoughts from the mind of Lucky

Just some random thoughts that have crossed my mind recently.

Summer plans update: Twelve days till I leave for Florida with the other half of my brain. I’m super excited about that event. Leaving the 25th of June, be back the 1st of July.

Things I now believe in: Love, fairy tales, dreams, people, happily ever afters, wishes.

Recent realization: Life is crazy, and nothing is set in stone. You never know just what’s going to happen when you wake up in the morning. Every day is a chance for something insane to happen.

Lesson learned recently: Love knocks you off your feet on a regular basis. That’s why they call it falling in love and not standing in love.

Something I once said about love that I now have: I want it to be inconvenient; I want to sacrifice my life for it. I want the kind of love that wakes me up at 3am.I want love that hurts, love that I have to work for. I want love that tests me. I want the kind of love that is hard to find, and hard to keep and never easy. I want the kind of love where you get hurt. I want love that makes me cry. I want to hold on even if it takes me through my worst nightmare. But most of all I want love thats worth it. I want love.

Crazy idea/hope/thought: I keep thinking that I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night at eleven o’clock to my phone ringing. And the voice on the other end is going to tell me to look out my window, and when I ask why he’ll say just do it. I keep thinking that I’m going to look out my window and he’ll drive by in the Mazda, like he used to. But at the moment I know it’s impossible.

Helpful cures for loneliness and sadness due to missing someone you love: chocolate chip cookies, sappy love songs, chick flicks, good friends to keep you company, venting at random, anything that involves chocolate (in moderation), the Delilah show on 92.9 (I know really bad.)

No one ever said it was going to be easy, but no one said it would be this hard either.

It’s the distance really. At the moment I have no clue how far apart we are because I don’t know where in Ireland he is. But I know it’s greater than the almost 1500 miles when he is in Phoenix, AZ.

Am I crazy?

I’ve decided that I shall tackle him when he comes back. Though I once again have no clue when that will be.

I hate this. I really do. But I made a choice that I’ve decided is the right one. I’m going to wait here. And if it drives all my friends nuts, I apoligize now.

Love is a weird thing. And it’s the reason I made that choice. I love him. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that before Prom and before he left.

I must be insane…

I must be crazy. I mean really. Who does things like this to themselves? I honestly think that love is playing really sick jokes on me lately. Now don’t take any of this the wrong way please because it doesn’t mean I’m giving up on Kenny and our relationship. It just means that I’m going through a lot of crap and things are getting crazy. I rarely get to talk to him because the crazy boy works all the freakin time. Usually that makes each time I do get to talk to him that much better but sometimes it makes things awful. I mean I can’t sleep at night sometimes and I just sit and read the notes that were passed between us before he left. And the night before last I could have sworn he was standing right outside in my driveway because, and this is going to sound bizarre, I could smell Kilo, not just Kilo but the smell of Kilo on him.. I told you it was bizarre. I guess it’s just a product of the fact I miss him so much and it makes me crazy. Or maybe I’m just weird. Because I actually followed the smell from my back porch around my house to my driveway. But hey it happens I guess.

Sometimes I just want to scream, and it sucks to be this far apart. And he graduates thursday and I can’t be there to cheer. I don’t know when I’ll get to see him again. I think the hardest thing is the fact that I’m a memory person and being apart kind of reduces the ability to create memories. I like memories because it’s a way to hold on to things so they don’t disappear.

Ireland: That is where my boyfriend is going for a month. Last time I talked to him he was stopped in Washington state visiting family before heading to Quebec and then to Ireland for what he called a “learning experience”. Crazy how far apart life can take two people.