What doesn’t kill me…

What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. So I guess that means that the pain of being so far away from the one I love will make me that much stronger provided I survive. And survive I will and survive I must because if I don’t then I have failed myself. I love him with all of my heart, and he reminds me why every time we talk and every time I think of him. He’s seen me at my best and at my worst. He’s seen me cry and been my support. He’s been there to make me laugh and to hold me and let me cry. He’s the best thing to happen to me in a long time. And I miss him. He’s heading to Ireland for a month which means that he will be more than the usual fifteen hundred miles away for awhile. But I will survive.

I guess that’s why they call it the blues

Don’t wish it away
Don’t look at it like it’s forever
Between you and me
I could honestly say
That things can only get better
And while I’m away
Dust out the demons inside
And it won’t be long
Before you and me run
To the place in our hearts
Where we hide
And I guess that’s why they call it the blues
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues

Just stare into space
Picture my face in your hands
Live for each second
Without hesitation
And never forget I’m your man
Without me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever
I simply love you
More than I love life itself
And I guess that’s why they call it the blues
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues
Wait on me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself
And I guess that’s why
They call it the blues
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that’s why they call it the blues

Sometimes the advice of someone who loves you kicks in while you are listening to music. When I was sitting in my room hugging the bear he gave me for graduation and trying not to cry this song started playing. And I remembered what he told me before he left. He said live in the moment and it’s not forever. And it’s hard to follow, but it’s good advice. I really owe it to him to follow it and try to be happy.

Teardrops they fall down like rain

It is a very dismal rainy day, and the world seems to be very bleak and almost depressing. I don’t know why, but rainy days seem to make me sad. They used to be days that I’d revel in because it meant I could curl up with a book, my journal, or some of my writing books. There was not so much to do so I could relax and and be at peace. Sounds corny and silly, I know and do not care. But lately the rain seems to leave me feeling dejected. I wish I knew why. I don’t write much because everything seems to come out all wrong. I still read, but the thunder and sound of the rain always seems to become a distraction. And I don’t like to write in my journal because there are too many sad entries. I really shouldn’t be so depressing and dismal sounding. I just don’t feel all happy and bouyant sometimes.

The rain reminds me of the quiet tears I cry sometimes when I think about the way things are right now. While all the couples go out on Friday and Saturday Nights, I sit at home and do nothing. I don’t have very many single friends and they go out, so I don’t have much to do. My boyfriend lives in another state, almost 1500 miles away. Thats a pretty big distance if you ask me, but I’m determined to make it work. The difficulty is knowing that, for who knows how long, we have to be apart. While other couples gt tyo go out and make memories and be together, we can’t. Two months have gone by, and I have sat waiting. It’s so hard to be patient when I have see the couples together or listen to my friends talk about their recent dates. And sometimes I just feel like screaming out “Shut up and think about who you are talking to.” I want to be the good friend who listens and smiles and is happy for her friends, but sometimes I don’t want to hear it. Or when I hear people complaining about the little things about their boyfriend/girlfriend or about how they only get to see them once or twice a week. I mean come on. At least it hasn’t been two freakin’ months and at least they have some idea when they will get to see them.

Breaking Down and Falling Apart

I want this to work, and I’m determined to not let this hurt me. I’m not going to let distance break me down and cause me to lose one the best things in my life. That would be… awful. I love him, and I’m happy for once. So why do I feel like me world is crashing down around me sometimes?

I hate this. I’m crying, and I don’t want to. In fact I probably shouldn’t be crying at all. Those of you who read this, and I know its a small number, know that I’ve tried to pump up my strength and stop crying really. I don’t cry in public anymore. If I’ve got to cry, I’d rather fall apart in private, in my room where no one can see me break down. I hate when I feel like this. I’m supposed to be happy because I finally got what I wanted. I finally found the guy I was looking for, but I’m not happy. I am happy… this is making no sense what so ever because I am just typing on my train of thought… I am happy don’t get me wrong. Because for the brief moment that I can hear his voice I’m smiling, for the brief time I get to talk to him I’m soaring higher than anyone. There are days when I feel so bad, when I feel so alone and I miss him so much that I close my eyes and … I know this is going to sound crazy but… I can see him, I can almost feel his arms around me, his hand in mine, I can almost hear his voice. But then something happens. I’m pulled away and I remember he’s not here and that I don’t know when I’ll see him again.

What I wouldn’t give to have a view into his mind? I would give anything to know whats going on with him. Does he miss me as much as I miss him? I know he doesn’t break down. At least I’m almost positive that he wouldn’t anyway. Don’t get me wrong I don’t him to be miserable; I’m not miserable just a little bit down right now. I don’t mean that I want him to feel like that.I want him to be happy, whatever that means. If he’s happier there instead of here then so be it, but it doesn’t mean its not gonna hurt like hell.

He’s the expert at reading people. He reads me like an open book just by looking into my eyes. That’s not me. I can’t read him except sometimes I can tell a little bit. But what do I do? What can I do? I have all the faith in him, and I love him. He makes me happier than I’ve been in a long time. It’s just that there are good days and then there are days like today when I don’t know what to do. Days when I fall apart and cry my eyes out. But I don’t want him to see. I don’t want him to worry about me.